Well, it seems as though my fairy tale with Mr. Awesome has come to a not so happy ending. It’s been heading to the finale for a couple of weeks now and I pretty much figured it was only a matter of time.

I’m totally crushed.

My heart still longs for him as it has since the beginning and my mind continues to question the possibility there still might be a chance for us. I know I am wrong in doing so, but it happens.

@SingleGal will want to slap me for saying so, but he and I are equally to blame. It doesn’t really matter what caused the deterioration to anyone but us. I just hope that we both learned something that will make us better people… and that we can manage to remain friendly and keep in touch.

I don’t really know how to process this. I’ve managed to make it through the day with out balling my eyes out (until now) and I am considering working from home tomorrow just so I don’t have to deal with removing his photo from my desk, but eventually will need to do so… and hope no one notices.

[Insert what ever helpful lyric you find appropriate here...I'm at a loss too great to express]

I’ve lost my list. I’ve abandonded my blog. I’ve avoided my friends.

There are times when I am motivated and determined to push through this divorce. I had a list, I shared it with you and I honestly felt that I would accomplish every task and more. But I sit here tonight realizing that I am fooling myself. I don’t share as much as I should, I don’t feel like I have any right to contribute to my twitter or my blog. I haven’t taken that one big step that officially makes me part of the club.I’m not yet qualified and I fear being judged for a fake.

I’m struggling with this, not because I am having second thoughts about Ex or have any desire to work things out, but because I am so scared deep down that once I take that giant leap into the Attorney’s office my life and everything around me will become a war. I dread confrontation and disputes. I don’t want to have to play angry at Ex to cushion my emotions when he inevitably turns nasty. I know he will.

I just want it to happen. I know I am fantasizing and that it’s not going to happen if I don’t get off my ass and do it, but I dream of waking up and everything being done. The house sold off, the possessions split up, all decisions made and finalized. We shake hands and walk away.

Then I think about our relationship after the deal is done. Will I ever see him again? Will he change his number? Will he leave the state, will he leave the country? Will he date? Will he ever love again? or will he let himself go…turn to a dark side, take up bad habits, end up in jail or worse?

Am I supposed to not care? Stop loving him all together? How is this all supposed to work when I still care so much about someone, have spent almost half my life with them, but still feel the need to leave?

You say I only hear what I want to.
You say I talk so all the time so.
And I thought what I felt was simple,
and I thought that I don’t belong,
and now that I am leaving,
now I know that I did something wrong ’cause I missed you.
Yeah yeah, I missed you.
And you say I only hear what I want to:
I don’t listen hard,
don’t pay attention to the distance that you’re running
to anyone, anywhere,
I don’t understand if you really care,
I’m only hearing negative: no, no, no.
So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up,
and this woman was singing my song:
lover’s in love, and the other’s run away,
lover is crying ’cause the other won’t stay.
Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
dying since the day they were born.
Well, well, this is not that;
I think that I’m throwing, but I’m thrown.
And I thought I’d live forever, but now I’m not so sure.
You try to tell me that I’m clever,
but that won’t take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.
You said that I was naive,
and I thought that I was strong.
I thought, “hey, I can leave, I can leave.”
Oh, but now I know that I was wrong, ’cause I missed you.
Yeah, I miss you.
You said, “I caught you ’cause I want you and one day I’ll let you go.”
You try to give away a keeper, or keep me ’cause you know you’re just
scared to lose.
And you say, “Stay.”

~Lisa Loeb