In the world of Online dating there is much room for deceit and deception, sometimes unknowingly. We are hidden behind words and images hand selected to show us in our best light. We include our strengths over our weaknesses and post our most flattering pictures over those which we feel are not. We intentionally project our most attractive features in hopes of catching the interest of a potential mate.

But so easily a profile written by one individual could be read by another and interpreted in a completely different manner then intended by the author. It could be better, it could be worse.

It’s easy to bend the perception of others with creative writing and clever angles in our images, but we must keep in mind that what you see is not always what you get.

I’m an average girl. I fully disclose this information in my profile and I am always sure to have a recent full body shot in my images. I know I am not every one’s cup of tea, I’m no statuesque model, but I’m cute and dare I say sexy in my own way.

There seems to be a reoccurring theme with me lately where a guy find my profile, skims my self assessment and photos, then sends me a message because he’s interested. We start to chat and he becomes more engaged to the point of asking to meet me. Then he discovers that I am, in fact, merely “average”…something that I would have expected he’d research prior to asking me to commit to meeting.

Just yesterday I received an email from a guy I had exchanged a few messages with. We live close and we are close in age (my two pre-qualifiers to accepting a date). He asked if I would be interested in meeting for a drink on Wed after work. I responded with a yes and my availability, he responded with the location and confirmation on the time.

This was a perfectly executed proposal and I was looking forward to learning more about him, so as I was entering his number into my Cell phone I sent him a text to say Hi.

He responded and we started to swap more information about each other. He asked me about my photos and how recent they were. I don’t bother posting 10 year old images, what’s the point? I started to get the feeling he hadn’t really looked at my profile too closely and that it’s likely I’m not his type, so I offered up “I’m not tall and skinny if that is what you are looking for. I’m Average as stated on my profile and can be seen in my recent full body shot”

About 10 minutes passes and I receive a reply “I am Sorry. You have a great face, just too full figured for me. Thanks for chatting and good luck.”

Date Canceled.

I can’t be upset by this. He was honest and polite. I’m not what he is looking for. I did my best to portray my true self to the world of online dating, but his initial perception led him astray… thinking with the wrong “head” no doubt

For the record I am a size 14 – “Average” by US Standards. 38D/36/42. I don’t know if that means I am full figured or not, but I use the Average descriptive for body type in my profile… please do correct me if I am wrong on this! It’s much appreciated.

As you may have heard, I’m back in the dating game. Over the past few weeks I’ve spent countless hours sifting through what feels like hundreds of potential suitors, exchanging messages with those who pique my interest and responding with a polite “thanks, but no thanks” to those who don’t. Well, it’s only a matter of time before you hit a sore spot and unearth a Loser.

Last night as I logged into one of my online dating inboxes I was greeted with, not one, but two messages from a very sore loser. He’d initiated the communication the night before with a subject line “fun fuck buddy here” and included a pic of his cock. The body of his message informed me how he could go all night long … Now, if this guy had bothered to read my profile he likely would have been advised that I was not looking for this type of relationship and could have saved himself some time and embarrassment.

I replied with a simple statement of “thank you, but I am not attracted and I’m not looking for a fuck buddy”. I thought I was honest and to the point, but apparently I hit a soft spot.

His first response was “I agree, you are not attractive, fat, and may I add, delusional … time to hit the gym Miss Piggy lmao”. First off, Guys – let’s try and get some originality in these insults, because calling me Fat is hardly offensive to me at this stage in my life, and Miss Piggy is super sexy, so I’m having a hard time accepting this as anything but a compliment.

He followed up with a second message, just to be sure to cover all potential bases for insult, with “no suprise you’re divorced and live alone with 2 cats … obviously you hate men and are deluded into thinking you’re attractive – I actually feel kinda sorry for you”. Being the mature woman that I am, I responded “and you, sir have an ugly cock!…I wouldn’t touch it if it was in a bubble!! Ew!!!”

As they say, it takes one bad apple to spoil the bunch, and while I was quite amused by all of this, I’ll be taking the read & delete approach with those I have no interest in for a while.

How do you handle sore losers?

As many of you know, I’m reading “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” and running Virtual Book Club (come join us)! In the current chapter, the author relays a situation where a woman “dismissed” a potential suitor because he didn’t reply to her email within her desired time frame. She had to wait – get this – twelve hours. In that twelve  hours, the guy had attended his son’s graduation and after-dinner party, but this response time was still “unacceptable” to her. To me, he dodged a bullet.

This reminds me of the Psycho I dated for one week last year. One of the “warning” signs was the unnecessary follow-up texts. It went like this.

Him: “Hi there, how was your day?”

Me: (no response, because I’m in a three hour training session).

Him: “I see. Are you busy?”

Me: (still not responding, phone not even turned on).

Him: “What, are you mad at me? What gives?”

This entire transaction took place within 30 minutes. Thirty-minutes. 3-0.

Where am I going with this? Well, I’m going to throw out (and then duck) that we (mankind, not judging men/women here) have set up these ridiculously unrealistic expectations on response time from our mates. And really, I only say “mates” here, because if your BFF texts you, and you don’t respond for 3 hours, you generally wouldn’t be too concerned. There’s something about dating that forces us to channel our anticipation (and by default, insecurity) into technological means. And somewhere along the way, as in the examples above, we seem to have lost sight of something; we are all still living way beyond our phones and internet.

I’m not a saint; I, too, have fallen victim to this peril. I assure you, I’m far more of a Luddite than most people I know, and yet I’ve done it – translated a delayed response into a beacon for the Apocalypse. But when you sit down, and think about it logically, it’s really just kinda silly. For example: I have a crappy cell service. I work in a cement basement: no service. I don’t get a cell signal in my house unless I stand on one foot, in the dining room, when the moon is full and the Year is Rabbit. I’m not ignoring anyone – I’m just living with the reality of my situation.

Even if I did have perfect service, isn’t it reasonable to expect that people are not attached to their phones on a minute-by-minute basis? I won’t get started here on the etiquette of dinner with friends who spend the majority texting, and I’m certainly not saying there aren’t reasons why this might be perfectly legitimate. But when it comes to a “dating” situation, aren’t we setting ourselves up for failure by expecting immediate, all-consuming attention via technological means? Is this not a giant flag of insecurity from which we should run far and fast? Am I living in the dark ages?

I don’t know the answer, but I do know enough about interpersonal communication to state that a text is not the same as an in person conversation, and yet we’ve gone ahead and treated it like such. I welcome all thoughts, and I’m ready to take my old-fogey credence if that’s what’s desired.

Bring It.

It’s been a while since I’ve encountered a bad kisser, and Local Guy is undeniably bad.  He purses his lips and pecks. Peck, peck, peck.

We had plans to meet for the first time on Thursday, but the weather caused us to reschedule. Since we had yet to speak on the phone I decided he could call me. As we got to know each other better he began asking some very specific questions about where I work and I told him it was making me a little uncomfortable, but then it came out that he grew up with a guy who used to work with me and I was really close to. Based on that I was already feeling very comfortable about our 1st date.

Thanks to snow I was forced to base my 1st date outfit on my snowboots, so when things were going well at coffee and he asked if I wanted to grab a drink elsewhere I told him I wouldn’t feel comfortable in a bar dressed as I was, but he could come over for a couple beers at my place if he wanted to hang out.

He was acting really nervous and I jokingly asked “am I intimidating you?” to which he replied “Only a little”. I don’t get it at all. I am just a girl, a normal girl…what is so intimidating? I think I am easy to talk to and comfortable to be around, but he was totally not relaxing.

We watched tv, had a few beers and chatted about this and that. Slowly he started to relax and we even moved to touching and holding hands… it was nice and  he has these amazing hands… warm, strong hands. We eventually started to doze off on the couch and I had to get up for a lunch date with JJ, so I sent him home.

The next day I wake up and shoot him a text message about what a nice time I had and asked what he was up to later. Turns out he was planning a movie and more couch time with me

He arrives and greets me with a peck. I pour some wine, pop in the movie, which we end up chatting over and not really watching. and then we eventually get to the point of the night where he comes in for a kiss. Peck, peck, peck…. ugh. “Really? Is that what you got?” I huffed at him. I think it shocked him, but up to this point I was totally open and honest about everything, so if he was paying attention to my personality it shouldn’t have disturbed him much.

He may have potential, but do I have the desire to train? He is very handsome, but so shy and insecure. I need a man who shows what he wants and to quote my earlier tweet “if you can’t kiss me like you wanna f*ck me, then you’re never getting invited to.”

I haven’t fully dismissed Local Guy, but I’m still on the dating train and waiting for my next stop.

When it comes to Friends with Benefits, I don’t do sleep-overs.

This is not necessarily a hard and fast rule. Some circumstances have required that a sleep-over ensue, and I have obliged, but as a general rule of thumb, unless we are in love or on our way, I’m not sleeping next to you.

Why? Well, let’s go ahead and assume we all understand the emotional complications that arise when spending the night. There’s the spooning, and the snoring – the drool that covers the pillow and the kicking that occurs. There’s the waking up in someone’s arm, the toleration of morning breathe and the potential awkwardness that arises when in the morning, you may or may not have anything to talk about.

When I entered Single-Girlhood, I swore off the sleep-over. And with one major exception (from which I declared, eventually, “no more sleepovers”, I have stuck to my gun.

My bed is my solace. When I come home I night, I’m centered. I’m reminded who I am and what I’m going for. I’m reminded that the person I just had sex with serves a purpose that is not generally emotional, it’s physical. It gives me a chance to establish some guidelines and enforce my own rules. My bed is my domain, and I only want those in it who belong there.

What are your thoughts?

Last night I was having dinner with a friend and discussing what happens to your friendly Exes when you enter into a relationship. It’s a timely and interesting topic, and one that hits very close to home for me at many levels.

Zinc’s best friend is a former Ex-girlfriend. And I mean way former – like high school. She lives far away but I know they communicate often and I don’t feel threatened by that in the least. But what if she lived closer? Would my feelings change? In truth, they probably would. But why? She appears to be happily married, and well on her way to a life to the life she wants. I don’t sense any motivations that she’s trying to win Zinc back and find their friendship to be healthy and productive. So why would I be threatened if she lived closer? I truly don’t know.

When it comes to Exes in our lives, it’s a conundrum that many women seem to come at from varying viewpoints. And I am singling out “women” here because admittedly, men seem to have a far easier time adjusting to this than we do. In general, I have found myself relatively comfortable with the “Ex” situation in my life. My Ex-Husband had a very nice Ex girlfriend who used to write him and send him post cards from her travels. When she came to visit our area one day, he declined to meet up with her. Why? I presume because hew as afraid of my feelings, but I certainly didn’t feel threatened by an Ex passing through town. Apparently, however,  he did (a telling sign? That’s another blog post for another day).

What I see happen more than not is that women force a man to choose. It’s her (the current girlfriend) – or it’s her (the former now friend). Now, I’m not saying that their aren’t scenarios where this isn’t appropriate (although you do have to wonder if you can’t trust your man enough to hang out with their Ex, why you’re with him at all). But I do wonder why it is this is necessary. We feel jealous, and threatened and all of those other burgeoning insecurities. But in the end – aren’t the Exes the safest people of all? I mean, the guy  has already passed them over once (or maybe more!). It’s like they’ve been checked off the cosmic list, which in my book, makes them pretty safe.

I know many will disagree with me, but in truth, it makes me sad. My friend last night said I’m a 60s relationship child that wants everyone to hug in one giant chorus of “Kumbaya” before passing the peace pipe. I think she’s right; I’m always looking for harmonious relationships and if nothing else, assuming the relationship ended in a “just friends” instance, why wouldn’t I want my Ex to go on to find someone who makes him happy? What makes me sad is that just by virtue of my “Ex-hood”, there is no longer a place for me in that scenario for reasons that I just have trouble grasping.

I welcome your thoughts. Why do the friendly Exes often have to go?

I’ll never forget …

Your face, your smell, your touch, your kiss.

The laughs, the love, the longing.

First, last, and every second in between.

Watching you, watching me, watching you.

The music, the food, the feeling of being alone with you in the midst of millions.

The girl I was then and have since left behind.

The man I thought you were, but will never be again.

The day you broke my heart.

….but above all that, I will never forgive you for making me feel so insecure and humiliated when I reluctantly fulfilled your request the last time we “saw” eachother … those feelings resound every time I think of you and nothing will ever change that.

It’s  a blustery winter day and I’m walking through a department store to avoid being out in the cold. I happen to be in the men’s department, and there is a gigantic sale. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch sight of a blue/green t-shirt with a Pacman on it. The next thought that enters my head shocks me: “Wow, Ex would love that shirt”.

My responsibility for dressing my Ex-Husband ended over two years ago now. And yet still, these little reminders slip in every now and then, like somewhere deep in my subconscious I’m still programmed to be his  wife. It happened the other day when Ex’s birthday rolled around; it reminded me of how much he loved his birthday and how I always made such an effort to celebrate it with him and his family. It happens to various other Ex’s too. I’ll be walking through a store, and remember someone’s favorite salad dressing, or the fact that they didn’t like ginger on their food, or how they can’t stand mayonnaise. Note – these are three different men I’m referring to above, and yet I remember a detail from all of them that for whatever reason, I can’t seem to let go.

I’ll admit that I harbor. I harbor feelings of sentimentality or longing way beyond when most people should. I don’t attach to things, and carry very few objects that remind me of my past. In the absence of belongings I carry details that get triggered at the easiest moment. All it takes is walking by a place where an event occurred (it happened twice last week at a subway stop I don’t often frequent), recognizing a smell (baking powder, in my most recent example) or a movie (*sigh* Love Actually).  All of these occurrences brought about a fond memory or two. Sometimes they are painful, because of what happened in the relationship, but mostly I just look at them with fondness. Truthfully, when I think about relationships past, the sign of success (even if the relationship wasn’t one) is that I can carry the memories and smile when I think about them. Sometimes it doesn’t happen right away, but the hope is that eventually, I’ll get there.

I still care for almost all the men that have played an important role in my life. In some cases, it’s even with people who have treated me quite shabbily. It doesn’t mean that I’m not angry or resentful; I’m those things, too. But I trust enough in myself to know that if I cared, then it was because there was enough good in that person worth caring about. The ending may be pretty far from fairytale, but somewhere in the story it was worth the telling. I don’t fault myself for caring, or for having these little trips of nostalgia. They aren’t a reflection on my current relationship and they aren’t a sign that I want to go back. Rather, I take them as little pieces that I’ve collected along the way; I store them in my memory box, and I bring them out whenever I need them.

For the most part, I’m glad to have them.

Last night Office Guy came over for dinner, shared a bottle of wine and spent the night with me. This is the second time we’ve spent an evening like this since deciding to add benefits to our friendship. Over all the time we spent together was amazing. We talked, we laughed, we cuddled on the couch and yes… we got intimate (my favorite part

I sent him off this morning after making sure he had a hot shower and a good breakfast, he thanked me for a wonderful time and kissed me goodbye. Then I got lost. I spent most of the morning nursing a bit of a hangover and thinking about the conversations we had the night before.

If you’ve been following along on twitter or my previous posts then you know how hopeful I’ve been that this relationship will develop into something substantial. OG is truly the type of guy I want in my life, but repeatedly he informs me that he’s “not looking for a relationship” which is fine for now …. until he asks what is going to happen when he finds a girlfriend or I find a boyfriend? I have asked him over and over again not to say this to me the way he does, but it keeps happening.

I understand that he is trying to ensure I remain realistic and things will not get crazy or awkward between us, but I can’t help but feel insulted by the way he approaches this question and I wish he could see how hurtful it is to me personally. It’s the one thing I would change in him if I had that ability.

I can accept that he is not looking for a girlfriend “in me”, I still enjoy his friendship and the benefits and have no intention of changing our relationship, but I wish he would just say it like it is. If he is trying to protect my feelings he’s doing a lousy job. How can I make him understand that what he is doing is causing unnecessary emotions and insecurity in me?

Time to get back to reality. . .

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching I’d expect that a single chick, such as myself, to be putting in a little effort into alerting cupid that I am totally available… but I’m not. I feel no pressure, thankfully (at least not yet and I realize this could change in the next 10 min).

Things are progressing, albeit slowly, with Office Guy. I am taking it as a good sign that I received a drunk text from him over the weekend indicating that he was showing off my pictures to his sister, who he is very close with. To back this up I also received a text last night while watching the Grammys. An artists came on who we’d recently discussed and just as I was thinking of sending him a text about them I received one from him. I am on his mind and it’s a nice place to be.

We haven’t discussed anything related to Valentine’s day, but I already know he is not free that weekend. He’s a single dad and that happens to be a weekend with kid. Also, I don’t want spook him with any requests to spend time even if it’s a “platonic” non-date date. He has repeatedly expressed how he enjoys my company, what little we spend and the fact that he is reaching out to me outside of work as much as I him has me quite content with letting things just happen when they happen.

I’ve pretty much ditched all the other guys I’d been talking to, except The Boy.. who *is* just a toy and a very fun one at that. He’s got quite a packed schedule with School and a new job, but managed to make a house call this past weekend. We’ve reached the point where we have zero inhibitions with each other. I know his buttons and love to push them… from his reactions he seems to love it too

My online dating profiles are gathering dust and I’ve only logged on a few times over the past month to exchange messages with Rabbit, an agoraphobic (or as I like to pronounce it – angora.phobic – thus the nick name Rabbit). He came clean during our first phone conversation that he has this irrational fear of driving places, but assured me it was only long distances and traveling alone. It didn’t scare me off right away, but add to that his dislike of Seafood and much of the music I listen to and I just didn’t see us having a future. It was apparent to him that I was dismissing him and he begged a little that I would try to see past it all and “like him”, but that just showed him as insecure and un-confident, not too attractive when you already have some major strikes. What really sealed the deal were the multiple times he told me I reminded him of his Ex wife. Next!

As if the Rabbit wasn’t enough to send me into hiding from the male population for a while…. an old high school friend has been sending me flirty Facebook messages. I’d like to refer to him as Triple Nipple and yes, he had three nipples! I say had, because after scanning his photos it appears he has had it removed. I am still traumatized from the night I got an up close and personal look at it. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I was in a relationship at the time, he was dating my best friend, and he was drunk and throwing himself on me at a party… when he cornered me in a dimly lit bedroom and tore his shirt off I was shocked! He acted like it was no big deal… seriously!? Ew.

So, no I am not Looking for Love, I do not need a Valentine. I’m content (for now).

I am curious to know what you all have planned for the Big day of Love… I’ll happily live vicariously though you!