Last year, I took the holidays off. It was my first season as a divorcee and I avoided family under the guise that I did not wish to explain “what happened” over and over again. While the holidays were a tad lonely, I filled them with friends and activities and made it through just fine. It was a wise decision, and one that I’m glad I made, as visiting family this year was very enjoyable and a lot less pressure.

Now, I’m faced with an interesting dilemma: Christmas Eve. I am going to visit my parents for Christmas  and this puts me back in the state of Ex. He and his family (my former in-laws) have extended an invitation to spend Christmas Eve with them as I have done many years in the past. I spoke with Ex about this, and he assures me Same-Name Girlfriend is OK with my presence (she’ll be spending the holidays with her own family) and that I am welcome with open arms.

I’ve run this by a few friends (keeping in mind, that Ex and I are on cordial, but limited, terms) and I’ve met with some mixed results. Some see no issue with this arrangement, bearing in mind that these people were my family for ten years and seeing them would bring me great pleasure. Others view this arrangement as a tie I need to cut; that no good can come with continued contact with these individuals, and that I should forge ahead with my life.

I live in a different state than Ex and his family, so the opportunity to see them would be limited. And admittedly, I have a difficult time ostracizing these individuals who love me and welcomed me into their family for so long.  Yet, I see the growing pains associated with potentially maintaining ties with my former in-laws, and understand the perspective of those of you who think cutting loose is the best solution.

So, I see advice. What do you think? To do Christmas Eve with my former in-laws… or not? (PS – I should also mention that I have no other plans and am not missing an opportunity to spend with my own family if I attend their celebration).

It takes me some time to digest an experience. It took me a good year before I could reflect on the aspects of my marriage that truly pertained to me, and relationships are no different. I’m in a happy and healthy relationship currently, and I pleased as punch. But, the year mark is rolling around again, and I’m getting reflective. Trust me – this is a good thing.

Reflective about what? Well, my  last relationship. I met my Ex-BF (”Darwin”, for anyone who has been following along on Twitter for some time) this time last year. I met him online, as is often the case, and recall that my first reaction was: he’s not my type. I want to take a moment to reflect upon some of those “warning signs” that I recall from along the way. And I should preface this that just because there are “warning signs” doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give a relationship a chance. It just means you should learn from the experience, in the end.

To start with, Darwin was incredibly affectionate right away. This is generally an instant turn-off to me just by nature of my personality. I believe affection should be earned, and not given just by virtue of your existence on this planet, so I’m always a tad weary. This was Warning Sign #1.

Next, there was how Darwin spoke of his Ex Wife. Now, I know – Ex’es aren’t exactly going to win any prizes for “Most Liked”, but in general, he never stated what it was that was “wrong” about her. Just that she was a miserable person (and, she probably was). Now granted, he didn’t have to share his thoughts and feelings on his Ex with me, but he didn’t wish her well. He really, really didn’t wish her well. And that, to me, was pretty alarming. Thereby, making this Warning Sign #2.

Third was the way  he conducted his personal relationships. Darwin didn’t have any friends, didn’t want any friends, and in general, couldn’t seem to find the value of people in his life. There seemed to be a real emotional barrier there. What made this weird is that there were some people in his life who cared for him very deeply – I met them. I saw this. And yet,  he refused to accept these individuals as anything more than “acquaintances”. This concerned me because how you treat others in your life is pretty representative of how you might be treated. And when I got caught up in the emotional off switch, I couldn’t have been more right …

Lastly, Warning Sign #4 was  – when Darwin was done, he was done. Believe it or not – it wasn’t a bad relationship. Truthfully? It was a great relationship. I had a lot of fun, I blossumed emotionally, the sex was amazing. But he took that all away from me in an instant but telling me within a day or two of the break-up that I, essentially, meant nothing. Honest? Sure. Necessary? I’m not so sure. I could have looked back at this relationship as a defining transitional moment in my single life. Instead, I’ll always view him as an emotional imposter that made me weary and distrustful for a long time.

So, like I said: not to say that “Warning Signs” mean a No-Go, but they need to be recognized and reflected upon. I knew about each one of these (well, except the last one) as the relationship was going on, and it gave me that uneasy feeling along the way. As I look back now, I can see why I would be cautious of these again.

What are your warning signs?

It’s been a rough week with many different things going on at many different levels. For some reason, in all of this, the daily emails with Ex have been irking me. Yes, we still email daily, usually just to say “hello”, catch up on our cats, or just see what’s going on in each other’s lives. I’m not hiding the fact that this was a source of comfort to me when it shouldn’t have been. That Xing the Ex out of my life scares me like a clown in a Funhouse. But I also realize that this is my year of change. And if I’m going to clean house, I’m going all the way. My email went a little something like this:

Dear Ex,

I realize now that we’ve been talking on an almost daily basis since the divorce. I’ve also come to realize that’s it’s time to let me know. Your relationship with Same-Name GF seems to be flourishing, and you should embrace it in every way possible. You’re living a life I can’t even daydream about at this present moment, and I think you need to give it your all.

I’ve also told myself that I will never be one of those “other” woman you engaged with the entire time you were with me. I hope you are giving this relationship your heart and your all and that it turns out to be what you’ve always wanted, and what you’re looking for. It’s all any of us can hope for, right?

Ex replied that he felt like he was punched in the stomach, but that he understood.

I felt very scared, but more so, relieved. I know this is something I should have done months ago (and tried to, once before), but now it’s done. and in the end, what I feel, is a bit more at peace. And that’s something.

There was a day
You threw our love away
Then you passed it to someone new
You wanna stay
But since you wanna play
We can finally say were through
~ “The Wind Blows” All American Rejects

I like sex.

Truthfully, that statement isn’t probably bold enough. Maybe I really like sex? Need it? Want it? Crave It? LOVE it?
But is it getting in the way?

Earlier today, I posted a statement/question on Twitter. The statement is that I am considering giving up sex for an extended period (six months?) and the question is – have you ever done something like this? I got varying degrees of responses, from those that had (mostly happily) had long droughts or abstinence by choice, to those who questioned why I would ever want to do such a thing. It’s a good question. So let me work this thought process out.

After I broke up with Darwin, I thought a sex break would be a good idea. I said three months. I made it two weeks. Now admittedly, will power is not one of my strongest suits. And a very wise person once told me that after my divorce, I would only go without sex for as long as I wanted. I didn’t believe them at the time, and I realize now that no truer words have been spoken. I’d tell you all I’m a “very sexual person” but what does that mean, really? We generally all are. I think for me, I’ve always used sex to fill a need, sometimes for good, and sometimes for the not so good. It’s also something I can control and relate to when it seems like other aspects of my life are so intangible.  I’m not even opposed to the occasional No-String-Attached hook-up (although finding these situations without having them devolve into emotional conundrums seems harder than finding that ever-elusive “boyfriend”) . I like sex. And I like having it.

So why go without it? Well, the first reason would be to clear my head and attempt to make better choices. My current philosophy is that if this “need” is being filled, then it’s easier to focus on getting other matters of your life under control. But perhaps at the same time, it causes you to become complacent in addressing those matters. Maybe wanting is a good thing, and sex could be a reward for good behavior (or time served)?

Another reason is because sex (or lack of, or desire for, 0r whatever) can cause you to make bad choices. Well, maybe not YOU – but me. And I don’t harbor a lot of regret, if any – I own my actions and my decisions. But it’s possible that if I’m filling my life with sex, that I’m allowing it to define me. And really, I’m a whole lot more than just *that*.  Honest.

Lastly, the period of abstinence may allow me to rejuvenate spiritually. I have no idea if this would indeed be the case, but perhaps if I take the focus away from my body and move it to my mind, I may grasp at some of the far reaches that have been alluding me thus far. You’d think a person would be able to manage both at once but maybe I can’t, and that’s what’s been holding me back.

I’m not sold on any of these ideas. I’m not even close to convinced. But, I’m throwing it out there to see what the readers have to say. So, what do you think?

Is a sex vacation a good idea, or not? What did you or do you envision obtaining from it? Or is it a big mistake?

Your thoughts, please!

I know I’m often wrong. In fact, I’ll often be the first running head first toward the oncoming train, probably with a gigantic smile on my face and carrying an ice cream cone. So, it doesn’t really come as a shock to me that I find myself in the same patterns time and time again. What does perplex me is *how* I keep finding these same patterns. Most of the time you’d think once was enough!

What are these patterns? Well, let’s see. For starters, I attract the generally most emotionally detached men in the world. I think this has something to do with my inability (or perhaps, lack of experience) in dealing with any sort of jealousy or possessiveness. The few times I’ve encountered this even slightly it’s turned me off like a space heater and a hair dryer plugged into the same outlet. However, diving in the well of the emotionally empty leaves me feeling quite shallow as well, and it’s probably a place I need to stop swimming in.

Secondly, I generally don’t find those interested in monogamy. Even Ex – not top on his list of priorities.  I suppose it is a “good” point in that “they” are open and honest with this point, whether it be just an inability to settle down or just a complete lack in the concept whatsoever. But I struggle with this one: in my heart, I want to believe monogamy is both “possible” and “real”, but as I get older, I see less and less of it, and I wonder if it’s truly a reality I’m just clinging on to. I even wonder where my belief in it in the first place stems from sometimes? I’m truly not sure what to do with this one.

Third, you will want me with reckless abandon at first, and then have no idea what to do with me after a little while. My theory on this is that in the beginning, I come off pretty aloof and distant: I can take a relationship for what it is, and perhaps this detachment beckons some sort of signal that I need to be had or possessed. However, when I turn into a “real” girl – the one that has wants, needs, and all the rest, it suddenly becomes burdensome and less attractive. I believe this is exactly what happened with Darwin, and this is a hurdle I’m not yet sure how to overcome in future relationships.

I own all of it. I own accepting behaviors that I’m sure some women deem unfathomable and for the most part, I’m truly not sorry about it. But, I do realize it gets me back into these same “patterns” time and time again. And I am continually navigating what I “want” with what I see as a reality. And I hope somewhere in there, my happy medium exists.

Or perhaps I don’t “want” what I think I want, and that is where the real struggle lies …

Since the first time since my separation, my well of dating prospects is dry. Dry, dry, dry.

In truth, I really shouldn’t complain. I’ve had a pretty steady run since Ex left. Not all have been tangible men – several have been Internet “friends”, procured through various social networking sites, even Twitter! Some have resulted in some in person meetings, some have resulted in a little cyber-fun. But when I started seeing Darwin, I had to clean the slate a little, and lost most of the men-in-the-computer were lost to other, more available chat-ees, I’m sure.

Since the separation, I went pretty hot and heavy with SV Guy for a while. It was nice – Ex had just left, he was having his own marital difficulties, we definitely fit a need for each other. But his wife was his one true love, and they are back together. I couldn’t be happier for him – it’s all he ever wanted – but I’m eternally grateful for the confidence he gave me right out of my marriage. In him, I saw that other men could see me the way Ex probably never could. And that gave me hope.

Right about the same time, I lost touch with a very close internet friend, who meant a great deal to me. I’m not sure why he had to go, but I miss him. Of all the men I’ve cavorted with electronically, he was probably the one I connected with the most. Truly a Best Guy Friend I was compatible with on many levels. He reminded me that it’s important that a guy in your life be your friend, too, and not just your guy.

From there, there was the string of bad dates, all of which served their purpose, before Darwin. And since Darwin, with one exception I won’t be writing about here, there have been no men. I haven’t been making as many “online” man friends because I’ve come to realize the disappointment that often takes place when a man jumps out of the computer and turns into a real person (I blame this largely to the wonders of online dating). Since Beachman and the Vegan Poet turned out to be disappointments, I have no leads. Unless we count the young Cublet from yesterday’s OK Cupid chat, and I assure you he was just looking for a tumble in the sheets (and to be honesty, I haven’t completey ruled it out …).

So, my well is dry. And in truth, I’m sure I’ve had a pretty fair shake for my year(ish). So, it’s good to let the well replinish, which I take a bit of a breather. I’m going to leave my OK Cupid profile up (if for the entertainment value, if nothing else) and may message a few guys I’ve had favorited, but I think I’ll let @goodbyegal take over the dating world for now. Me? I need a foot rub.

Singlehood teaches you a lot about yourself. My most recent revelation is that I’ve come to realize I’m a voyeur. Now, now – get your minds out of the gutter (although I have to say, that kind of voyeurism would be kind of interesting). I’m realizing that I have an intense (and somewhat dangerous) curiosity to see where things are going, and how they will play out. Let’s take my most recent case in point: Beachman.

Beachman contacted me through Plenty of Fish about three weeks ago. We arranged a “chat” date to start, which was fine by me. The chat (and the bottle of wine that went with it) went very well. So we arranged a next chat date. And another. Now we are pretty consistently catching each other on GTalk. But, here’s where it starts to get a bit wonky. Yesterday morning, Beachman starts to get frisky on chat. There’s talk of showers, peeking through windows, etc etc. Admittedly, I indulge this somewhat, but more because now, my curiosity is peaked.

On more than one occasion, I’ve wondered why Beachman hasn’t asked to meet for coffee yet. If I cared enough about meeting him,  I would have asked myself. But now, I’m hanging in there just to see where this goes. Is it possible that a guy who lives within walking distance of me actually just wanted to cyber? Via CHAT? Is it possible he’s just looking for a hook up? Is it possible he’s just a pervert? Granted, our chat didn’t get THAT frisky, but he did mention that he enjoyed “flirting” with me, a sign I’d take that he’d like to do it again.

I’m perfectly capable of opening my mouth and asking him all sorts of questions – like what’s his deal. But the curious cat in me just really wants to see where this goes. I’ve told him twice now that I’m going away for a week, and this has not accelerated any move on his part toward meeting. Beachman has not taken the bait.  I’m curious if he is a repeatedly scorned lover, and that’s why he is in no hurry to meet people until he is “sure” there is a connection. Or is he something else entirely?

I assure you, readers, I certainly don’t need to cyber with a guy who lives in the next town over. But I am kind of curious – is that *REALLY* all he’s going for?

Stay tuned …

He reads to me sometimes, his voice soft and smooth as he utters the words of a beautifully written story. Rich in detail, I close my eyes while I visualize the characters, and I can hear it in his voice when he turns to look at me, and I smile. I like the story; it has monsters and creatures that appeal to my scary spirit, and yet the subtext is a moral about letting go. Letting go. Letting go …

When he is done, he slides a hand around my waist and pulls me close, nuzzling his lips into my neck. I don’t know if he knows, but this is my favorite way to be held. I like to be pulled in so close that two bodies feel like they are one – that you can’t distinguish where one person ends, and another begins. Sometimes, we nod off to sleep. Sometimes, we sing.  Sometimes, we kiss until our lips are sore and puffy. And sometimes, we are just quiet.

I am not his. He is not mine. We are not each others. Someday, we will part to follow our different paths. I will look back. But in the interim, we fill each others void with life and poetry and adventure. When you know something will end,  you cling on that much tighter. Hold it a little closer.  Taste it’s magic and savor it because there will be no regret, no why’s nots, no large tears and no distresses.

Because it’s beautiful. Even if it’s not real.

I’m not beautiful.

This fact does not bother me. The world needs not beautiful to balance out the beautiful, and I am in the former category, not the later. To be truthful, I was, for lack a better description, a butt-ugly child. My mother, well-meaning but ill-informed, kept me in short boy hair cuts and my older brother’s clothes for most of my childhood. Add to this my tom-boyishness, and I spent the first part of my first ten years being called a boy. Then, Mother Nature struck with some breasts, and that made it even MORE confusing. When I finally blossomed into an average-looking, unassuming teen, I was grateful. I believe this made me well-adjusted to my looks and created a certain self-awareness that I have carried with me to this day.

However, when I entered the dating world again, I came to the realization that – probably more than ever in my life – my looks were going to be an issue. It’s not that I don’t “care” about my looks – I do – but I am incredibly low maintenance. I much prefer to spend my time out doing something than getting ready to GO out and do something, and a lack of female influences in my life left me without great “girl traits” like good make up and hair skills. Again, there’s nothing “wrong” with me, but I quickly realized I’m not the girl who is going to stick out in a crowd. I put on weight in my marriage (and have, blissfully, taken quite a bit off since last year) and am guilty of “letting go” in that way people do when they are content in their lives and themselves.

So, one of the first matters I had to address is figuring out where my looks fit me in the great world of online dating. Now, I know there are people who just go for the gold – email anyone of interest and see what happens. But truthfully, I think I’m too realistic for that, and I believe I have a dating “league” and that I need to discover what that is. I have very realistic photos of myself up on my profile (one I leave up from when I was 30lbs heavier) so I am in no way creating a deception, but I do want to avoid scenarios where I go out with a guy who is, for lack of a better term, out of my “league” and we both know it. I’m sure many of you find the concept of “leagues” to be unnecessary but I believe they exist, and I plan on observing them.

Of course, the concept of “leagues” is a bit dangerous. I entered in the dating world selling myself short on the caliber of men I was going for because I felt my looks were a hindrance. I quickly learned THAT wasn’t going to be acceptable. I have since ironed out my expectation of looks with the individuals I seek, and I think I’m getting somewhere. Sure, there’s a certain amount of insecurity that still exists in ALL of us, but in truth, I’m very comfortable with myself  – my looks, my intelligence, my personality. This is not to say there aren’t areas I can improve about myself, but if you meet me, you’ll find a girl who is pretty comfortable in her skin, and I think that speaks volumes. This is not something I considered in my initial dating interactions, but IS something I have learned along the way. Confidence matters.

So, off I go in a league of my own. Being “out there” again makes you really re-evaluate yourself and I have to say, I’m not entirely sure I think it’s a bad thing. Sounds conceited and self-centered to some degree but being single is all about your “me time”, and if this is going to be the most selfish time of your life, then you better enjoy it! I certainly am going to try.

“I don’t miss you“ were probably the hardest words I ever had to hear. They were harder to hear than “I want a divorce”, “I don’t love you the same way anymore”, and “You don’t mean that to me”. They were uttered by Darwin about a week after our break up. Our break-up began as a cordial one; I thought I handled it with an incredible amount of grace, understanding and dignity. To be honest, I was quite proud of myself. Then he dropped the bombshell, and in my mind, invalidated the entire experience. Two months earlier, he had made a point of telling me how “amazing” I was – that he had never met anyone with my brevity and spirit. That my appetite for life was voracious and that my demeanor was inspirational. So, how is it that I became, to him, (in a matter of mere weeks) the icky stuff you need to scrape off the bottom of your shoe?

Women are creatures who search for meaning. Every encounter must have a reason and every entry into our lives must have some significant purpose. Darwin’s in mine was no different. Until the day we broke up, I would tell you that this was the best relationship I’ve ever had. If you asked me today, I would probably tell you the same thing. So how did it go so horribly awry so quickly? Who knows. But what I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around was why – when I was supposedly “amazing” – he suddenly wanted nothing to do with me.

So, I decided to do what any self-respecting social-networking broken-hearted blogger would do: I took the question to Twitter. “Why”, I asked, “does he want nothing to do with me anymore? To pretend like I never existed?”. And I got an answer – a good one – that I’d like to share with you all.

My Twitter friend, let’s call him Bugsy, had recently endured a break-up of a long-term relationship. You can tell for him it was painful and difficult, that he still cared for his Ex, and that they at one point had meant a great deal to each other. But, in Bugsy’s case as in Darwin’s, he had limited contact with his Ex since the break up. She made efforts to contact him; he reciprocated in appropriate but curt fashion. Why? I asked.  And Bugsy responded. “Because what’s the point?” Bugsy said. “What are we going to talk about? Our new love interests, or where our lives are going without each other? Who we are dating?”. Bugsy went on to say that he missed his Ex very much, but that each conversation was like reliving the fact that they werent’ together anymore, and when the break-up is fresh, it’s not the good times you remember, but the demise. And that’s a lot like pinching yourself repeatedly for no good reason.

And so I mulled. “What’s the point?”. And I answered. My point in staying “friends” with Darwin would be so he could take me back. So he would remember that he once thought I was “amazing” and so that I could feel that way, too.  And he knows this. Darwin knows that my intentions would be to get him to change his mind, and he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want the burden of knowing he’s keeping me involved. He wants a clean, clear and painful cut. I could spend time debating whether or n0t he ever meant any of it, but that’s not the point: to him, it’s over, and to us, we must move on.

I know, hard as this is for me to accept, that it’s the best thing for both of us. Continued communication cuts deep and I would take light teasing or reminiscing as signs of “hope” when there shouldn’t really be any. I am meant to be wounded, and I am meant to recover. While it irks me that Darwin gets to keep the “upper hand”, I am reminded that I, too, have exercised the “leave the door closed” rule and have done so in the interests of both parties, not just myself. And so, I will continue to lick my wounds, and close this great mystery of relationship life, and move on.

How can I deal with this, if he won’t get with this
M’I gonna heal from this; he won’t admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It’s time the truth was out that he don’t give a
Shit about me
“Get Gone” ~ Fionna Apple

PS – A very special thanks to Bugsy for his open and honest answers, and sharing his experience which REALLY helped me out and inspired this blog post.