Last night Office Guy came over for dinner, shared a bottle of wine and spent the night with me. This is the second time we’ve spent an evening like this since deciding to add benefits to our friendship. Over all the time we spent together was amazing. We talked, we laughed, we cuddled on the couch and yes… we got intimate (my favorite part

I sent him off this morning after making sure he had a hot shower and a good breakfast, he thanked me for a wonderful time and kissed me goodbye. Then I got lost. I spent most of the morning nursing a bit of a hangover and thinking about the conversations we had the night before.

If you’ve been following along on twitter or my previous posts then you know how hopeful I’ve been that this relationship will develop into something substantial. OG is truly the type of guy I want in my life, but repeatedly he informs me that he’s “not looking for a relationship” which is fine for now …. until he asks what is going to happen when he finds a girlfriend or I find a boyfriend? I have asked him over and over again not to say this to me the way he does, but it keeps happening.

I understand that he is trying to ensure I remain realistic and things will not get crazy or awkward between us, but I can’t help but feel insulted by the way he approaches this question and I wish he could see how hurtful it is to me personally. It’s the one thing I would change in him if I had that ability.

I can accept that he is not looking for a girlfriend “in me”, I still enjoy his friendship and the benefits and have no intention of changing our relationship, but I wish he would just say it like it is. If he is trying to protect my feelings he’s doing a lousy job. How can I make him understand that what he is doing is causing unnecessary emotions and insecurity in me?

Time to get back to reality. . .

So, Flirty Office Guy and I have been cutting back on the out of office communications quite a bit over the last couple weeks, actually we haven’t been emailing in-office much either, but he’s been really busy and working late, so I try not to pull him away from his work to often.

We still spend our lunch hours taking long walks around the parking lot at work or down the road to the store for a few groceries and such. We chat about this and that and more recently about me attempting to get back into dating.  I was hoping this would light a fire under him to ask me out on a proper date… or at least to follow through on his offer to cook me a nice dinner, but so far no luck.

Last weekend he caught me on IM and asked if I had any hot dates, then proceeded to tell me about this hot little 27 year old red head he was looking forward to meeting (he’s 38). My heart sunk! I have been crushing on him pretty hard since we met at our office Christmas party and he knows this, but until that moment I didn’t realize how hard. I was jealous and it stung me bad!

So I have been mentally backing off on the thought that there was a chance for him coming around, erasing this line he holds with dating women at work, and actually asking me out. I told myself that he just likes me for the attention I give him and that I’m not even his type – based solely on the women he talks to on Facebook all being dark haired and size 2. Bitches.

Then tonight I see him on IM and shoot him a hello. The chat quickly turns to flirty to I’m not looking for a girlfriend straight to a proposal that we try being Friends with benefits. I played coy to his messages thinking he was teasing as he likes to do, but he was serious. I asked him if I was understanding him correctly that he isn’t looking for a girlfriend, but would like to have sex with me and if/when he does meet someone who he want as a girlfriend, I’d be cool about letting him go and remaining friends? Yep, that’s exactly what he meant.

My heart was racing and my hands were shaking. I was excited and nervous and angry all at once! Is he serious? Is this just a test to see if I am “easy”? I want it to be a test, but I know he is a guy and a very typical one at that! I informed him that he just lost rank in my book from “really cool guy” to “typical male” to which he replied he doesn’t care.  Arrggg I always fall for the cocky ones!!

I did not accept his offer as tempting as it may be. I know it’s on the table if I choose to, but I really need to think about this one for a while. I know we would have fun and I am sure it would be some amazing sex, but I’m afraid that emotionally I already have too much hope for more with him and I would be setting myself up for a world of hurt.

I do wonder what the possibility is of this happening and him feeling more for me as he got to know me more intimately? Can a FWB become a true lover?

Please don’t all virtually bitch slap me at once. This is a true dilemma! Especially since JB is gone and I don’t really have a dependable FWB. You have to admit they are handy to have around!

…or something like that.

I woke up this morning quite emo and filled with fearful thoughts of the year(s) ahead. I wish I could put myself in the frame of mind that today is just another day, but I am feeling very overwhelmed by the pressures of Ringing in the New Year as a happy occasion when on the insides I’m not all that happy.

Last night I had a 3rd date with Simon. He has been asking me to get together for weeks, but I just haven’t been into it. I ended up accepting and invited him to join me and some other friends for dinner. I figured if he really wanted to see me he’d do what ever I wanted to do and that he did.

It was a great time, he fit right in and I think we all had fun, but I just wasn’t into it. I tried to play the role of good date and make him feel wanted. I even gave him a few kisses, which I knew he had been greatly looking forward to since our last date, but they lacked even the slightest hint of passion and pleasure for me.

Scientifically Simon is a perfect match for me – he is handsome, has a great sense of humor, fun personality, good dresser, owns his own home, has a good job and a very nice car… just to name a few of my minimum requirements. So why is it I am so uninterested?

The truth is I am just simply not interested in dating anyone right now; I’m not even interested in a casual encounter with The Boy or Magnum despite their efforts to maintain relationships of that nature with me. A few days ago I proclaimed I was jumping back into the dating pool, but that ambition fled quickly and I have no desire to find it again any time soon. This lack of interest happens from time to time and I am sure that once we get over this New Year hump I will start feeling the desire to be social once again…at least I am hoping so.

In closing this post and this crummy year I will say that I am looking forward to 2010 as a year of healing, happiness and embracing my independence. Oh and if Flirty office guy should decide that he is madly in love with me that would be great too!

I thank you, readers, for all your support over this past year on behalf of SingelGal and myself and for your continued friendship and support in the coming year. May 2010 be the year that kicks all other year’s asses!

*cheers*

Be warned…I’m here to rant.

Nothing pisses me off more then when a guy sends me a text message out of the blue making a statement of some sort that is totally random and OBVIOUSLY meant for some one else.

If you can’t be responsible enough to maintain your contacts and select appropriately when sending messages then leave me the hell off your list!

….And if you DO happen to accidentally text me when you meant it for someone else… SAY SO! Don’t just pussyfoot and ignore my response. You just initiated a conversation (of sorts) and you have a responsibility to either continue by making small talk or admit your mistake and close it.

This is major points off guys. Major.