Above Being Average
GoodbyeGal
In the world of Online dating there is much room for deceit and deception, sometimes unknowingly. We are hidden behind words and images hand selected to show us in our best light. We include our strengths over our weaknesses and post our most flattering pictures over those which we feel are not. We intentionally project our most attractive features in hopes of catching the interest of a potential mate.
But so easily a profile written by one individual could be read by another and interpreted in a completely different manner then intended by the author. It could be better, it could be worse.
It’s easy to bend the perception of others with creative writing and clever angles in our images, but we must keep in mind that what you see is not always what you get.
I’m an average girl. I fully disclose this information in my profile and I am always sure to have a recent full body shot in my images. I know I am not every one’s cup of tea, I’m no statuesque model, but I’m cute and dare I say sexy in my own way.
There seems to be a reoccurring theme with me lately where a guy find my profile, skims my self assessment and photos, then sends me a message because he’s interested. We start to chat and he becomes more engaged to the point of asking to meet me. Then he discovers that I am, in fact, merely “average”…something that I would have expected he’d research prior to asking me to commit to meeting.
Just yesterday I received an email from a guy I had exchanged a few messages with. We live close and we are close in age (my two pre-qualifiers to accepting a date). He asked if I would be interested in meeting for a drink on Wed after work. I responded with a yes and my availability, he responded with the location and confirmation on the time.
This was a perfectly executed proposal and I was looking forward to learning more about him, so as I was entering his number into my Cell phone I sent him a text to say Hi.
He responded and we started to swap more information about each other. He asked me about my photos and how recent they were. I don’t bother posting 10 year old images, what’s the point? I started to get the feeling he hadn’t really looked at my profile too closely and that it’s likely I’m not his type, so I offered up “I’m not tall and skinny if that is what you are looking for. I’m Average as stated on my profile and can be seen in my recent full body shot”
About 10 minutes passes and I receive a reply “I am Sorry. You have a great face, just too full figured for me. Thanks for chatting and good luck.”
Date Canceled.
I can’t be upset by this. He was honest and polite. I’m not what he is looking for. I did my best to portray my true self to the world of online dating, but his initial perception led him astray… thinking with the wrong “head” no doubt 
For the record I am a size 14 – “Average” by US Standards. 38D/36/42. I don’t know if that means I am full figured or not, but I use the Average descriptive for body type in my profile… please do correct me if I am wrong on this! It’s much appreciated.
Tags: Average, Dating dos and donts, Online Dating don'ts
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This is the worst part all around for both genders. We all kind of know what strata we fit in, we worked all that out in Jr. High. It’s based on cultural stuff like how our facial bones are structured, how are body looks (combination of nature and effort), personality, income level, etc. There’s probably more, but that’s what just came to mind.
This is why dating sucks. BUT! If you find someone great that is our match, then dating all of the sudden becomes awesome. heh. Funny that.
All that said. I learned when I was in sales that you have to get through enough “no” answers to get to the “yes” answer. So for every no, we are one step closer to our goal of a yes.
That guy sounds to me like he was as polite as anyone could be in that situation. And he did you both a favor. If one of you isn’t interested, there is no sense in dragging things out just to not be the meanie. (but that is WAY easier said than done)
I just reread all that I wrote, and realize I’m didn’t say one thing you don’t already know. Oh well, I’m submitting it anyway.
Ugh – that sucks. I mean, yes, he was honest, but he was also close-minded and you never truly know if there may be a spark until you meet, not just judge by pictures. I am a little torn here, because for me, honesty is my biggest thing with online dating, so I semi-applaud him for that, but I also hate closed minded-ness. However, if that’s how he is and he can make snap judgements, he wasn’t good enough for you anyway!
Yes, I agree in his close mindedness, but then I am quite close minded at times too. He gets a lot of points for how he handled himself, but not enough to come back for seconds should I become > Average
I have to agree with Jolene on the closed minded part. And if that is how he makes snap judgments, you deserve better hon.
Oh as a guy after you described your measurements, you would fall more under the ‘full figure’ category. Now that’s not a bad thing by any means, and I think its more accurate than average.
Also if he came back that quick with the ‘dump’ message then you were correct in the respect that he really didn’t READ your profile. I know when I was on the dating sites I made sure I put good information on mine, and carefully read the one’s that I was looking at.
Quinten – While I respect your honesty and appreciate your commentary… ugh, you totally make me feel fat! I’m over it now, but I did add a disclaimer to my profile about my size.
So what is the difference between being selective and being closed minded?
It’s a good question, Jo. I tend to lean toward the spirit of “giving people a chance” beyond appearance but I realize I am in the minority largely when it comes to this. In this instance, I think his opportunity to be “selective” came before he set up in the date. After he set up and cancelled the date, he was marked as “close-minded”. Simplifying it to a timing thing is probably pretty lame on my part.
But great question.
I kinda like what LuckyBroad said about it being determined by time. You are selective initially about who you reach out to, but close minded comes to play once learn more details about a person.
Then again if I was picky and messages someone who I found attractive and interesting, then learned that they were racist after making plans with them, I would not consider myself close minded to cancel on them.
So many flavors here!! We may never reach a definition of the two.
I, too, am torn between his honestly and whether or not I felt he should have said it. I suppose being left with *some* reason is better than none, I’m just not sure that appearance should have played a role. And I agree – you provided him all the information ahead of time that he would have needed to make his decision. Not sure why he didn’t utilize it better.
Anyway, love from your fellow “above average” (size 14, 40D, god knows what my other measurements are).
This is why I have always preferred meeting people in conversational forums (Usenet, email lists, Twitter). By the time I’m interested enough to find out what you look like, I probably really don’t care that much anymore—because I’m interested in the you I’m going to interact with, not the one I’ll see on the outside.
That’s not to say I can ignore the outer attributes. I’ve met people who I liked online and then bailed after a few dates because I just wasn’t comfortable with them physically. It could have been looks, mannerisms, or social skills, but there’s no question is plays a part in my decisions.
In the end, I wouldn’t say that he wasn’t open-minded, so much as that that particular dating process just doesn’t give people enough time to get to know each other in the important ways. It dives into the physical before it should.
Agreed, Coyote – I have met people online, sight unseen, fallen and carried on relationships where as had I met them in the Online Dating scene or public I would have totally passed them over.
But in this specific arena we play by Visual, then intellectual stimulation. Some never getting past the visual because that is all they need.
So I guess it depends on what you are looking for in your quest. For me I am still very undecided what I want/need… I’m sticking to the “When I find it I’ll keep it” and using a 10 point check list before I even consider a guy as someone worth meeting.
If only I had a dime for every time I came here! Superb article!
Here is a quote from an article published in the New York Times in 2009:
‘… the average U.S. woman, who’s 162.9 pounds and wears a size 14…’
This IS what an average woman in the US weighs and what size she wears. The problem is that in a man’s mind, average means less than a size 8. This is also what the fashion industry caters to,despite their losing out on billions by choosing to ignore more than half of the female population. That is how taboo it is acknowledge a full figure in the United states. I too am an ‘average’ woman under these terms, despite the fact that I am made to feel I am worth less than the ‘average’ woman because of it.