Back to Reality
GoodbyeGal
Last night Office Guy came over for dinner, shared a bottle of wine and spent the night with me. This is the second time we’ve spent an evening like this since deciding to add benefits to our friendship. Over all the time we spent together was amazing. We talked, we laughed, we cuddled on the couch and yes… we got intimate (my favorite part 
I sent him off this morning after making sure he had a hot shower and a good breakfast, he thanked me for a wonderful time and kissed me goodbye. Then I got lost. I spent most of the morning nursing a bit of a hangover and thinking about the conversations we had the night before.
If you’ve been following along on twitter or my previous posts then you know how hopeful I’ve been that this relationship will develop into something substantial. OG is truly the type of guy I want in my life, but repeatedly he informs me that he’s “not looking for a relationship” which is fine for now …. until he asks what is going to happen when he finds a girlfriend or I find a boyfriend? I have asked him over and over again not to say this to me the way he does, but it keeps happening.
I understand that he is trying to ensure I remain realistic and things will not get crazy or awkward between us, but I can’t help but feel insulted by the way he approaches this question and I wish he could see how hurtful it is to me personally. It’s the one thing I would change in him if I had that ability.
I can accept that he is not looking for a girlfriend “in me”, I still enjoy his friendship and the benefits and have no intention of changing our relationship, but I wish he would just say it like it is. If he is trying to protect my feelings he’s doing a lousy job. How can I make him understand that what he is doing is causing unnecessary emotions and insecurity in me?
Time to get back to reality. . .
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Guys seem unable to discuss these things in a sensitive way.
At last he didn’t use the term booty call.
yeah, he knows it’s not just a booty call. We *are* friends and spend a lot of time together, but I am the first female friend he has had benefits with and he actually likes to spend the night, which is nice since my past fwbs were more just booty calls.
I cant help but notice throughout your blogs & tweets that it seems like he has been perfectly clear… he is all cool with being FWB, but he is not interested in a romantic relationship, or building a future. It also seems very much like you are looking for exactly those 2 things that he is clear about not wanting.
Be friends with him, if thats what you want, and be f–kbuddies with him if thats what you need, but don’ look at either of those options as a “step” to building a deeper relationship with him. You cant force these things, and trying to will just lead to hurt feelings & heartache.
I’m not trying to criticize… I was in a very similar “relationship” which cost me almost 8 years of my life that I will never get back, and reading your story I cant help but feel for you.
If you keep seeing him, just enjoy the ride for what it is. But maybe it might be better to find a guy who actually wants the same things you do?
Yes, he has been clear about it and I appreciate his honesty for the most part. I entered into the “With Benefits” knowing he didn’t want a relationship, but he also tells me things like “You’re my type” and “I think you are cute and sexy” and he flirts with me a lot. I’m not totally naive here, I know the rules, but this is his first time playing this game and I don’t think he fully understands how.
If you keep asking him not to mention the “when we get significant others” and he still mentions them, I’d consider this to be a sign that he’s got something more up his sleeve. Not sure what it is, but it seems hurtful and unnecessary. I’d set a very clear rule that this is not to be discussed (I know you – you can speak up more when you put your mind to it). I don’t think it’s too much to ask at all.
Oh dear, I agree with Marcy. You are looking for this to be a stepping stone to something more substantial and he is trying to tell you that you’re barking up the wrong tree. Hon, he keeps saying it because he knows you want more and he’s trying to set you straight. The fact that it hurts you is a clear sign that you don’t want this to be just a FWB situation. But be warned that as long as you are giving benefits, he’ll continue to take them regardless of whether or not it hurts you.
This will NOT work out. Don’t believe me? Read back over my debacle with my Mr. Big. I will love you and be there for you when he drops you on your head. But, my dear, he most certainly will do just that. My advice is to end it on your own terms while you still can.
I am content with being FWBs, even though I see him as someone I could have so much more with… rather I see him as someone I could really deeply care for.
I know I shouldn’t expect more from him, and honestly I don’t need much more then what he gives me now. I just need him to understand how to play this game and stop making me feel so insecure.
I agree with Marcy and Jane – it has got to be hard to have a FWB with someone you see yourself as having more with. That is why FWB is such a tough thing.
I had a FWB with a guy for I wanted more from him than he wanted to give. I thought maybe he would see the light as we were having our FWB relationship – even as I told myself I was fine with FWB only. I figured that settling for a FWB was better than not being with him at all. And I really thought after he’d been with me and slept with me a while he would fall in love. Not so.
The outcome? He found a girl, I was dumped and not even kept as a friend for he felt uncomfortable with me in his life now he found the girl he wanted to be with and marry. He went off to his new love and I was left with a broken heart.
Just be careful if you decide to continue. The fact that you are hurt by him talking about the two of you finding some others in the future probably means you are in deeper than you think. And seems to me he is saying it how it is.