Warning Signs
Singlegal
It takes me some time to digest an experience. It took me a good year before I could reflect on the aspects of my marriage that truly pertained to me, and relationships are no different. I’m in a happy and healthy relationship currently, and I pleased as punch. But, the year mark is rolling around again, and I’m getting reflective. Trust me – this is a good thing.
Reflective about what? Well, my last relationship. I met my Ex-BF (”Darwin”, for anyone who has been following along on Twitter for some time) this time last year. I met him online, as is often the case, and recall that my first reaction was: he’s not my type. I want to take a moment to reflect upon some of those “warning signs” that I recall from along the way. And I should preface this that just because there are “warning signs” doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give a relationship a chance. It just means you should learn from the experience, in the end.
To start with, Darwin was incredibly affectionate right away. This is generally an instant turn-off to me just by nature of my personality. I believe affection should be earned, and not given just by virtue of your existence on this planet, so I’m always a tad weary. This was Warning Sign #1.
Next, there was how Darwin spoke of his Ex Wife. Now, I know – Ex’es aren’t exactly going to win any prizes for “Most Liked”, but in general, he never stated what it was that was “wrong” about her. Just that she was a miserable person (and, she probably was). Now granted, he didn’t have to share his thoughts and feelings on his Ex with me, but he didn’t wish her well. He really, really didn’t wish her well. And that, to me, was pretty alarming. Thereby, making this Warning Sign #2.
Third was the way he conducted his personal relationships. Darwin didn’t have any friends, didn’t want any friends, and in general, couldn’t seem to find the value of people in his life. There seemed to be a real emotional barrier there. What made this weird is that there were some people in his life who cared for him very deeply – I met them. I saw this. And yet, he refused to accept these individuals as anything more than “acquaintances”. This concerned me because how you treat others in your life is pretty representative of how you might be treated. And when I got caught up in the emotional off switch, I couldn’t have been more right …
Lastly, Warning Sign #4 was – when Darwin was done, he was done. Believe it or not – it wasn’t a bad relationship. Truthfully? It was a great relationship. I had a lot of fun, I blossumed emotionally, the sex was amazing. But he took that all away from me in an instant but telling me within a day or two of the break-up that I, essentially, meant nothing. Honest? Sure. Necessary? I’m not so sure. I could have looked back at this relationship as a defining transitional moment in my single life. Instead, I’ll always view him as an emotional imposter that made me weary and distrustful for a long time.
So, like I said: not to say that “Warning Signs” mean a No-Go, but they need to be recognized and reflected upon. I knew about each one of these (well, except the last one) as the relationship was going on, and it gave me that uneasy feeling along the way. As I look back now, I can see why I would be cautious of these again.
What are your warning signs?
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I agree 100% about how you speak of your ex. If you think they’re a piece of garbage, yet that was who you were with, what does that say about you?
My last relationship ended in a fiery bloody mess (half literally) and I still defend her to a point because that was who I was with. She was a reflection of me and I don’t think she was garbage. She had her issues and I hope that she sorts them out, but understand where she was coming from and I hoped that ending it pushed her in a better direction.
#3 is a bad one. If they don’t have any friends, you become their entire world and that just sucks.
Sorry to hear about the break-up Bryan! I got images of your Ex on fire.
Yes, I’m always careful about #3 as well, although I seem to encounter that more often as of late.
No big deal, it was 3 years ago. I’m stuck with my chick now for life! So far so good. The only fire in my last breakup was her passion for destruction, the blood was mine when she kinda beat me up
Another story, another time.
You seriously run into people without friends more and more? That just seems odd. And boring.
Yes, and I can kind of relate. I found marriage to be a very polarizing experience, and friends just sort of “drifted away”. Being single again was a chance to renew that, and to realize that being with someone means that they don’t have to be your entire universe. I think I meet other divorce people who are just now coming to this realization.
1) I make more excuses than praise for him.
that’s really my only sign. If I have to excuse away things instead of ‘talking him up’ to family and friends… I should be bragging about instead of hiding facts.
YES! Very good one. I know someone who has done this for her husband for close to twenty years. After a while, we had her listen to herself – and she heard it!
These are all great signs, and are the basic classical ones really. I do agree that seeing them does not stop you from pursuing the relationship, but, it should make you take pause and really look it over. I do have to say though the more signs that pop up, the quicker I would be to decide this one wasn’t for me and move on. Number 3 about friends for me is a huge one, followed right behind with number one about ex’s. Like everyone else has said already, its also a reflection on how you were too but a lot of people will not see it in that fashion, which means they have not learned and grown from the experience.
Exactly! I really haven’t dated anyone with a “horrible” Ex story – and I do imagine they exist – but it’s important to me how you view your past relationships for that very reason.
Not to go diagnosing strangers on the Internet, but I wonder if Darwin was a narcissist. His behavior seems in line with that.
Narcissists often throw themselves into relationships with lots of big gestures and over-the-top professions while they’re in the idealization phase, during which the partner can do no wrong. But after awhile, usually a few months, the golden haze wears off, and the narcissist devalues and discards the partner, abruptly dumping him/her, often quite callously and without a reasonable explanation. Other hallmarks of narcissists include trouble maintaining interpersonal relationships of all kinds and a relentlessly sour attitude toward others. Though narcissists may be very sociable and charming in public, those who see their private sides know they always have something bad to say about everyone. This, of course, is doubly true of anyone they’ve dated.
Of course, I have no way of knowing if Darwin really was a narcissist, but narcissists cause a lot of emotional damage, so I like to spread the word about them in hopes that more people will be aware of the warning signs. Of all the signs there are, extravagant, romantic displays too early on are some of the best indicators.