Yes Or No
Singlegal
A quick post, before I shoot off to meet Agent Orange. Well, and observation, and then a question.
My current practice when a guy contacts me on a dating service that I am not interested in (for whatever reason) is not to reply to their message. I found that this is the practice I prefer (as in, if someone is not interested in me, I’d rather just not hear back from them). I received once that I should reply to the message I receive, out of politeness. But when I started to do this, I found that it elicits further responses, such as “why”, and I don’t really have the time or the desire to engage each and every individual in this manner.
That being said, I am noticing a new trend; I’ll call it, the “Forced Answer”. What happens is an individual sends me a message. I’m not interested, so I don’t reply. They then send me a second message. Sometimes it’s to check on whether or not I received the “first message” (Guys: The answer to this question is always “yes”), or to essentially request the I resond to their message one way or another. When this occurs, I do. Sometimes, I don’t hear back from them again. Sometimes, the situation as listed in paragraph one occurs (”why?”). And in one instance, I had to block a guy who sent me REPEATED messages after I repeatedly told him I wasn’t interested.
I have to say – I’m a tad uncomfortable with these “forced answer” scenerios. Is my silence not convincing enough? It doesn’t endear me to someone at all.
Is there something I’m missing to this? I’d probably be lying if I didn’t say that I resent this somewhat, but I’m open to a perspective I’m probably not grasping on the matter. So, Readers, enlighten me!
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I totally agree. Having walked the online dating mile, I experienced the same situation. Of course, it always hurts when someone doesn’t reply, but as you said, that’s your answer. I know people who have attempted to give honest feedback, but it can get ugly. One of my single friends rejected someone, only to have him create another profile and contact her again. creepy!!! Keep on doing what you’re doing – I think it’s the easiest method of rejection for all involved.
Carrie Blogshaw
It could be simply to ensure you got the message bcz half of the people with profiles on paid sites like match don’t actually pay for the service, and therefore don’t receive the emails. I think a quick, “thanks for your message, but I’m not interested” is warranted if they send you a message containing more than a couple of words. If they reply wanting more information, don’t respond & block them.
Thanks Jan. As I see this happen more and more, it seems appropriate. I may even need to use some of the “canned” responses the service provides, although I personally hate receiving those, but maybe not all do.
I really don’t understand why a guy can’t clue into the fact that if we haven’t responded it’s likely because we aren’t interested. It really screams desperation when they send multiple messages.
That’s kind of my thoughts. There’s a whole catalog of people out there! Pick someone else
So I’m a mid-40’s divorced guy, who has been doing the online thing for about a while now. And here’s my opinion: Always send a “thanks, but no” message. Hell, on match, they give you a button right there, and all you have to do is click that.
I say this because I’ve send plenty of messages out, where I put a bunch of effort into the first email, and then never heard anything back. Its just common courtesy to say “Not interested”.
If the guy keeps bombarding you with messages, then sure, block him or whatever.
The thing I like best about nerve.com (which is really the same as salon.com and a dozen other systems – they’re all owned and operated by fastcupid…) is that they have these quickreplies that you can send in batches.
So for example, if I have 7 new messages in my box and 3 are for men that are outside my area, I can click messages and in one swoop send them all a message saying, “thanks but I don’t do long distance (even if the real reason is ICK)”. I LOVE those quick replies and use them for all of my rejections on nerve and find that very few if any men reply in protest (they even have a “sorry, we don’t seem compatible”).
On other sites I am less diligent. If I have the time I try to replicate, sending “thanks but” notes. I know that I don’t owe men this, but at the same time I feel like there are a lot of fragile egos out there and I want to be kind.
I don’t answer the second email if they try to question me. That’s just pathetic.
My rule is to only reply when a reply has been requested one way or the other. That didn’t often happen and I never got questioned after doing it. I assumed those men would be more used to hearing “no” since they kept making people say it. Weird.
The time I got into something and had to back out I always got the “Why?” response and hated it. “Because no means no, dammit.”
Okay so my advice? Reply to say no thanks if asked and only when asked. Ignore all further lines of questioning from those individuals. Block as necessary.
I’ve never used a true dating website but when I was single used a couple of different social networking websites to establish some form of rapport, with the aim of taking things further. Not sure if my experience/view in that context helps….but….when I used to MSG new women to introduce myself or say hi I used to wait a couple of days for a response or some form of aknowledgement. If I didn’t hear anything, I just assumed they didn’t want to know. I we started chatting an they didn’t want to take it any further, i didn’t exactly send them a questionnaire asking why. Out of curiosity I might as why on ocassion but that would be it…if they replied, their honesty was appreciated. If I didn’t hear…nevermind. I think it says more about the guy if he keeps pestering with the ‘why’ questions. Also, I don’t think some guys realise women tend to get way more requests that can be time consuming. Bottom line….it’s the guy’s issue. You’re not being rude or not following some kind of expected etiquette, just keep doing what your doing and feel comfortable with. Hope that makes some sense
Btw, apologies for the POOR grammar in my post, it was hastily typed on my iPhone :-/