Please, Jump My Bones
Singlegal & Goodbyegal
@Goodbyegal and I find ourselves in a uniquely similar circumstance once again. Many of us have been there at one point or another, and many of you bloggers have covered this topic before. You know the one. <Cue the Sex and the City Music>.
What do you do when you really like a guy, but he’s just not good in bed?
For both @Goodbyegal and myself, our marriage lacked intimacy on many levels. This has put us both on guard, and made us picky lovers to a certain extent. In @Goodbyegal’s case, it’s required her partners to exhibit a certain level of assertiveness and self-confidence. I look for the same, with a spirit of imagination and spontaneity sprinkled with a light topping of kink. I still recall the day long after Ex had left, when he declared that our sex life was “hot”. I chuckled. I’m pretty sure I’d met wet blankets with more pizazz.
So, now we’re out there again. And, sex happens. And you really like a guy (no one in particular, for this illustration), but he lacks the fundamentals in the bedroom that you need to satisfy you. And Goodbyegal and I are in our thirties, which means we’re really not looking to train anyone beyond the normal “usuals” that come with getting to know someone in the sexual sense. I meet a guy, I like him, but he doesn’t measure up, and I’m not just talking about size here.
What to do?
In the big, fuzzy picture we’ve formulated in our heads, our future is with someone far more sexually compatible than our Exes (which in both our cases, is not difficult). I see a guy who likes all the holding and the fondling, engages in my little kinks, respects that you can’t touch me when I’m trying to sleep (that’s right, boys, NO CUDDLING) and wakes me up in the middle of the night when he feels like … um, getting a glass of water. Goodbyegal sees a guy who is virile, affectionate, patient, respectful but aggressive (and circumcised, because I told her I’d get that in here somehow). But you see what we mean – we’re looking for someone who gets us or attempts to get us when it comes to physical attraction. And we both feel that if there isn’t an instant sexual connection, that one isn’t going to develop later.
Is it a matter of compromise?
I’m not so sure. We’ve spent ten year sexually unfulfilled (well, probably five of those actually realizing we weren’t getting what we needed) and neither of us are in any hurry to do that again. But if we meet someone, and they fulfill the other elements of our fuzzy picture, can we give some leeway on this one area?
How important is sex in a relationship?
Goodbyegal and I don’t have all the answers but it seems to be a “hot” topic right now. In the meantime, we’re going to continue to hold our desire for a lover of equal magnitude in high esteem, and hope that it’s not an area we’ll have to cross off. But we do wonder, as we get older, what the expectations will be for a sexual relationship, and if they will change.
Let’s talk about sex, baby
Let’s talk about you and me
Let’s talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let’s talk about sex
Let’s Talk About Sex – Salt N’ Pepa
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I will admit and agree as you get older you tend to get ‘pickier’ about who you want to go out with. I agree that the sexual compatibility is high on the list when you look at the relationship as a whole.
I had one lady I was dating that was great, but in that regard just seemed to be lacking in my needs in that area. With that being said we did break it off.
I believe it is something you really can’t compromise on, especially at this point in life. You are correct that you really don’t want to ‘train’ someone to get you where you need. What is more exciting is finding someone close to your level then moving from that point.
Exactly Quinten! Now if only there were a way to find out ahead of time …
I am in a polyamorous relationship with my lesbian wife and I need a guy. Let me make it clearer, *I* am the one that needs a guy. I do not know why, but I seriously need to be in a relationship with a guy in order to be sexually fulfilled. I get all my emotional fulfillment from my darling Samara but I cannot be sexually fulfilled by her, not in the way I would prefer.
Well… I guess if sexual compatibility is very high on someones MUST LIST, then it should probably be moved up in relationship disclosure.
Folks are encouraged to pare down potential suitors using something like physical stature on a MUST LIST (not too skinnly, not too fat, tall, short, etc), which is fine, and so should one be able to use sexual spark. It’s just difficult because usually sex comes later in a relationship and by that time one might already like and enjoy most of what their partner has to offer.
In some ways that would encourage moving sex up in the relationship dance. FIRST DATE CHECK LIST: Tall enough? Check. 60k+ salary? Check. Wears coordinated colors? Check. Is a supernova in bed? Check.
It might sounds crass, but would save a lot of wasted time.
I am all for jumping into bed early…perhaps some times too early, but I am learning to control my curiosity of whether or not a guy can rock my socks off once the lights go out.
For me sex is a high priority and as long as there is physical attraction and he’s not a total dud I find that I have a hard time holding off for an extended period of time.
I think sex is So imprtant to a relationship, however I think talking about sex is So key. I have been in relationships where men have been scared to reviel their true sexual selves. I think this is because of fear of rejection for those men who fit the bill in other non-sexual areas. Discussion of prefrence isn’t training & I hope you girls aren’t refering to that here. Because if a man wants one thing then he won’t care how he acts in the bedroom at first. Because his relationship with you is based on only one thing. And that isn’t social.
I agree that talking about sex is important, but you also risk giving off the wrong impression to the guy when you introduce the subject too early on. I feel that once you start to talk about sex the more likely you are to only talk about sex… and something about talking about it seems change the whole dynamic of getting to know each other.
I’m not saying it’s bad, it’s just risky if you are looking for more.
I feel that if you are having sex you should be talking about sex.
Sex is ridiculously important. If the sex is bad and if it doesn’t improve with time at all, I would have to make an exit. There’s got to be chemistry in the bedroom and out of the bedroom.
Sexual compatibility is as important as you choose to make it. Everyone has to figure out how much it factors into his or her overall happiness because the role it plays can differ widely from person to person.
To me, the emotional aspects of a relationship are more important than the physical. After all, our bodies age and sometimes fail, and a regular, vigorous sex life can become a thing of the past, but love and companionship are what must last into old age and sustain us. So if a man isn’t perfect in bed but has many other qualities that are important to me, I can accept that he’s not a “10″ in that area.
Also, I don’t mind teaching a guy. Of course, it’s very discouraging when you teach and teach and he still doesn’t get the hang of it! But I find that most men can figure it out with a little prompting within the first few times. I look at it as an adventure to explore each other’s bodies and figure out what makes the other tick. In my mind, it’s just another kind of “getting to know you,” and just as I would expect it to take awhile to get to know someone emotionally, I expect that it may take awhile to get to know him physically and vice versa.
I’m happy to say that I’ve also been in relationships in which the sex started out just okay but got much better the longer we were together. I’ve heard some long-term couples say that they didn’t hit their peak together till they were 15 or more years in! I really do think these things can keep getting better and better if given the chance–and provided both people really want to please each other, too. That last part is key!
I really like singletude’s take on this… both are important but emotional compatibility is what sustains you on those rocking chairs when no amount of Viaga’s gonna get the deal done.
Is circumcision really a REQUIREMENT? As an uncircumcised man I find that offensive.
I understand that people have physical preferences in their partner, but re-enforcing such a ridiculous social custom, which shouldn’t make any difference sexually, pisses me off.
I equate it with rejecting a woman because of the size/shape/color of her labia. Or nipple/areola size.
I would love to hear your reasoning on this requirement, if you’re willing to share. Also, I propose that you may be excluding some man who satisfies you in bed, because of a piece of skin.
JD ~ I defer to @goodbyegal on this one since I have no problem either way. But, I wouldn’t let it piss you off – it’s one of those parts of attraction we all have that for reasons perhaps we can’t even articulate, just don’t quite work for us.
As a circumscribed man, I not only don’t find that offensive, but if I were not married it would make me randy as well. :randy: Really no different than eye color, IMO. No reason to get the boxers in knot I don’t think.
Hell, as far as I’m concerned the snip was the best thing my parents did for the infant me. To each his own of course.
If you’re a married man, what are you doing on a singles sight?
Hey! We need the married kind here too. They give us perspective and in many cases, boost our spirits.
But thanks for calling this a Singles Site! Here I just thought I was a Bitchin’ Divorced Blogger
What was really strange is when my wife caught me browsing gourmet hamburger recipes. BUT WE’RE VEGETARIAN she says and I say, “Well, once I ate meat and can still appreciate a good hamburger.”
The hermaphrodite smurf s&m site was a little more difficult to explain…