Just Do It.
Singlegal
Early today, my Twitter friend and dating guru @Simonegrant posted an entry about the importance of having a “plan” when orchestrating a date. Her entry could not have been more timely, as just last night, Mr. Nice Guy messaged me out of the blue. To give you a quick recap, Mr. Nice guy and I went on two “meet-ups”, both of which went very well. He was sweet, considerate, and thoughtful, albeit not terribly “fun”. However, I was willing to give him a shot but after a week of texting, Mr. Nice Guy had not even so much as HINTED at another meet up. Since I propelled both meetings 1 and 2, I grew apathetic and just let him slide.
Now, I’m going to preface this with a couple of tidbits before I get to my point; I don’t generally have a problem putting myself out there. If I want to manage the “pace” of an initial meet-up (i.e.- I’m ready to take this out of chat!) then I’ll suggest coffee or a drink. I realize that a guy who has never met me can’t gauge where I’m at in the “getting to know you” process and I’m willing to make that move. I’m also considerate of people’s busy schedules and not looking to jump into any serious relationships. Everybody has a pace, and I understand and respect that.
However, what I *am* not interested in at the moment is driving a relationship. I drove my marriage; 90% of it. Meetings, planning, vacations, all of it. I got to hear the moaning when Ex was tired or didn’t like something I’d put together. I tweaked. I perfected. I accepted this responsibility. I’m not looking to do that again. I am looking for a more mutual partnership with someone who is willing to give substantial input as to the progress of the relationship. I’m not looking for someone who wants to rest on their laurels while I take the initiative and make all the moves. That’s where I felt it was going with Mr. Nice Guy.
So, when he contacted me on chat, and asked why we’d dropped off, I told him it was the lack of momentum. That I had proposed our first two meet-ups and felt he should have moved with the third. At this point, he chimed in that he is very interested and had not intended to convey anything less. To be honest – I knew this. He did *seem* interested, and I don’t doubt his sincerity, but seriously – after a two good meet-ups, one make-out session, and a week, how about saying, “Would you like to do something again sometimes?”. I’d prefer a specific suggestion, but I would have even settled for the MENTION, and that never happened. And that just doesn’t work for me. Not in my current state of mind, anyway.
So, Mr. Nice Guy wants to get together again this weekend. I said “maybe”. We’ll see if he’s learned anything. And btw – Mr. Nice Guy is truly an example here. I’ve been VERY surprised at the lack of dating momentum I’ve encountered this year. I realize part of this is probably my attitude and the kind of guys I am attracted to, but at the same time, I can’t help but think this is the current state of dating today. Feel free to disagree! I’m all ears.
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I have to admit I am amazed once again at the depth of your blog here. You see a problem and dive into it to see where the solution lies. I’ll readily admit that trying to gauge where a person is when you are talking to them is pretty hard. With today’s technology of text, IM’s, emails, and cell phones a person can talk more with someone before deciding on that first ‘meet up’. The question is deciding when this will be, and also determining if the other person is ‘in to you’. There is also the question of who sets things up etc.
Once again a great blog.
Why, thank you Quinten! I appreciate the comments. I’ll admit I’m not great about actual phone conversations – it’s one of the reasons why I tend to move things to a meeting. I just find this sense of lethargy lately. I suppose I should take some time to reflect on how much of it is my own.
Good post! I think it’s great that you know what you don’t want and are not going to settle for something that you feel you have to take total control over (meet ups, times, places, etc.). It’s good to hear that you’re putting yourself out there, even if you’re not too excited for what is coming back…YET! The more guys you do chat with the better chance you’ll have of finding one that you really click with and who makes the same effort to be with you as you with him.
Thanks Miss S! I just want a nice, delectable boy buffet. Is that too much to ask?
I’d love to tell you that the lack of momentum was a new phenomenon, but it is exactly what I found on Match, Yahoo and several other sites (even the fancy shmancy one.)
And I’m with you. Not interested in sitting in the drivers’ seat 90+% of the time.
Stick to your guns on this one. Shared responsibility is pretty much worth the wait, as far as I can tell!
There are still men out there who will take the initiative, you may just have to wait a little longer to find them. But don’t fear, they’re not extinct just yet!
As for Mr. Nice Guy, don’t go out with him again unless he actually plans a date and invites you on it. If he is *really* interested, he’ll make the effort. Especially since you’ve said that’s what you need. Talk is cheap, make him take action.
I agree that this slide in “dating momentum” is a uniquely contemporary problem. Friends and family members from older generations seem baffled by it when I talk to them about it. I think the sense of limitless options fostered by online dating and social networking sites makes people more complacent about dating. They don’t put as much effort into it at any stage because dates feel like a dime a dozen.