On My Mind
Singlegal
This perhaps isn’t one of my most well-thought out blog posts, but it’s something on my mind so here goes.
I’ve been thinking about relationships (really, I have too much free time on my hands) and something that’s been bugging me since my marriage. It’s the concept that people (not everyone, and not generalizing) enter into relationships with the expectation that they can do “better”. I’ll use Ex as an example. The start of our marriage was a good one – there was equilibrium and balance. But, it soon became clear through his online activities, and elsewhere, that he was looking for an upgrade. Now, consider upgrade whatever you want – it’s just someone who is different than you.
I’ve heard and seen and been involved with this enough to know that it’s more than just Ex who has this “issue”. The issue, simply stated, is that rather than work on the relationship you’re in, you (the proverbial “you”) work on the one you’re not. You settle into the relationship because it’s comfortable and it works, but in reality, there’s a whole slew of people who see this as an opportunity to search out their “something better” – whether it’s thinner, smarter, taller, less ordinary, or what have you.
Now, I have no doubt that if there are pieces of your relationship missing, then perhaps it’s not for you, and you *should* seek someone else. What I take issue with is the concept that relationships aren’t work – and that it’s become more commonplace to look outside of your relationship to fill the gaps than to work on the one you’re in. How can anyone obtain success if this is the path we’re taking?
I’ve had enough encounters with men who have decided I’m “not” it, but who seem to come back around afterwards. I’m probably a bad example because I realize there’s enough about me to make a guy question, and I’m truly comfortable enough in myself to know that I’m not going to change myself to fit some mold of what I think the desirable female should be. I also don’t really do second chances – if you decide I’m not for you in the beginning, then most likely, I’m probably not. But I grow more and more disheartened by the way I see relationships being run by both sexes and I”m just not sure how to think about it. If we’re always looking for something “better”, then I’m sure we’ll find it in a temporary way. But after we have our “better”, aren’t we going to see their holes, and their gaps? Does that mean we have to start searching all over AGAIN? When does it stop?
Anyway, like I said, not the most well thought out blog post, and perhaps I’m discounting the ability of two individuals to find each other as a honest to goodness match more so than my experience has been, but those are my thoughts. What are yours?
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My ex was exactly as you’ve described. We were so happy together until he decided I wasn’t good enough. Or that there was someone better out there.
Two weeks before we split up in June he told me how much he adored me and loved me but said that he found it hard to accept that because I didn’t fit his ideal of the ‘perfect woman’. Two weeks later he ended it.
Ugh.
I wonder if it truly ended up being his “Perfect” woman. Ex upgraded his model in looks and body, but I think he’s finding that inside their, is still a woman with needs he’s not willing to provide. Did he think just because the packaging is different, the insides would be, too?
Thanks for sharing.
There are so many flavors of people out there… I don’t think everyone is like your Ex in that they are easily seduced by the possibility of something better, but in this day and age – the internet makes it so easy to encounter people on all different levels.
I’ve said this before – we are pioneers of a new era of meeting, bonding, and dating. This changes the dynamics of the old school courting, relationships are rushed, comfort achieved way before you really know a person and as you and I both know too well..it’s so easy to make a person out to be someone who they truly aren’t based on the ways we communicate – Email, text, Twitter, Facebook…
I’m sure there are plenty of men and women out there still willing to work for their mate and accept that you can’t have everything.
I’m guilty of the feeling “what if there is something better” but I am also still learning how to make me happy, so I can make someone else happy.
You’re right – and I’m not generalizing as much as relaying my experience in the past year. I just would like to see some of this “trying” that I hear so much about, but I think I’m more about undertaking a project then starting a new one.
Actually, I think it’s a fantastic post! I couldn’t agree more! I see this outlook all the time–like GoodbyeGal said, it seems to be the fallout of our global, digital age–and it’s really disturbing. So many people are really hurt and frustrated by this. That’s why I think you should take all the time you want looking for someone, but once you make a commitment, you should make every effort to work it out. Easier said than done, I guess, but what happened to loyalty and dedication as values we actually try to live out instead of just pretty words?