Laws of Attraction
Singlegal
I know I’m often wrong. In fact, I’ll often be the first running head first toward the oncoming train, probably with a gigantic smile on my face and carrying an ice cream cone. So, it doesn’t really come as a shock to me that I find myself in the same patterns time and time again. What does perplex me is *how* I keep finding these same patterns. Most of the time you’d think once was enough!
What are these patterns? Well, let’s see. For starters, I attract the generally most emotionally detached men in the world. I think this has something to do with my inability (or perhaps, lack of experience) in dealing with any sort of jealousy or possessiveness. The few times I’ve encountered this even slightly it’s turned me off like a space heater and a hair dryer plugged into the same outlet. However, diving in the well of the emotionally empty leaves me feeling quite shallow as well, and it’s probably a place I need to stop swimming in.
Secondly, I generally don’t find those interested in monogamy. Even Ex – not top on his list of priorities. I suppose it is a “good” point in that “they” are open and honest with this point, whether it be just an inability to settle down or just a complete lack in the concept whatsoever. But I struggle with this one: in my heart, I want to believe monogamy is both “possible” and “real”, but as I get older, I see less and less of it, and I wonder if it’s truly a reality I’m just clinging on to. I even wonder where my belief in it in the first place stems from sometimes? I’m truly not sure what to do with this one.
Third, you will want me with reckless abandon at first, and then have no idea what to do with me after a little while. My theory on this is that in the beginning, I come off pretty aloof and distant: I can take a relationship for what it is, and perhaps this detachment beckons some sort of signal that I need to be had or possessed. However, when I turn into a “real” girl – the one that has wants, needs, and all the rest, it suddenly becomes burdensome and less attractive. I believe this is exactly what happened with Darwin, and this is a hurdle I’m not yet sure how to overcome in future relationships.
I own all of it. I own accepting behaviors that I’m sure some women deem unfathomable and for the most part, I’m truly not sorry about it. But, I do realize it gets me back into these same “patterns” time and time again. And I am continually navigating what I “want” with what I see as a reality. And I hope somewhere in there, my happy medium exists.
Or perhaps I don’t “want” what I think I want, and that is where the real struggle lies …
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although I’m still a tad young, my experience has taught me that once they think they got you and you feel you’re becoming a burden, you got to suddenly “disappear” and ignore them completely, bcuz that’s when they’ll come crawling and begging… Men love the chase and the fear of losing someone.
Your third point REALLY hit home for me. I’ve experienced this time and time again. I’ve even gone so far as to WARN guys that this was going to happen. I’ll say, “You can’t possibly love me yet. You don’t know me. You only think you love me, but as soon as you see that I’m a real person with real needs and bad days and bad hair, you’ll realize that you didn’t know me as well as you thought.” But they insist till they’re blue in the face that they know what love is, and this is it, and they know I’m not perfect and are fine with it. But sure enough, as soon as I let my guard down, they’re outta there.
I think I know what the solution is, but I haven’t had the patience to put it into practice yet. What I need to do is simply refuse to believe these guys I’ve only known for a month or so. I need to continue to keep my distance as we continue getting to know each other. Only when I know they’ve seen the real me, only when I know they’ve been hit with the full onslaught of my bad days and less desirable traits, should I get comfortable.
The problem is that, in the past, I’ve always lost patience. I’ve been too eager to get the relationship underway, to partake of all the perks without paying my dues and putting in the hard work. So, against my better judgment, I allow these guys to convince me that we’re ready for commitment.
I hope I can break this cycle because if I can’t, it’s going to break me. That’s one reason why I’ve decided it might be better for me to stay single.