I’m No Angel
GoodbyeGal
I cheated on my husband.
The first time it happened was during spring break and it was your typical “heat of the moment” thing and I never heard from him again. I had been with Ex for 5 years and it had been nearly 3 since he had been intimate with me.
Seven years later it happened again. This time it was premeditated and I had been talking to the guy online for months! I had approached Ex about the lack of sex in our relationship, which was now pushing 10 years of celibacy. I had tried to tell him many times that I was not happy, I needed more. It was always the same act – he would promise do what he needed to do and “change”.
I never wanted him to change. I just wanted him to be who he was when we met. I wanted him to want me the way he did when we were silly teenagers sneaking into each other’s houses in the middle of the night just to be together. He had already changed and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
It’s a hard story to tell – Marring a man who you hadn’t had sex with in 7 years. Then there is the part where he rejected me on our Honeymoon, yet I still remained by his side. What kind of fool am I? How could I continue to love someone who obviously did not love me back. Not in the way I needed to feel loved most.
Ex has a lot of guilt around all of this. He keeps telling me how he has changed now and he now realizes what he has done to me, but he knows he has no more chances and so he’s moved on. It kills me to know that he has a girlfriend and they are sexually active. It’s one of the most hurtful feelings I know.
I don’t know if I will ever regain my self confidence after all of this and right now it’s my biggest worry as I approach my new life. I’m sure it was what killed my chances with Mr. Awesome. Will I over come my insecurities? Can I relearn to trust? Is there any true love left in me?
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My heart goes out to you. Sexual rejection is such a hard thing, more so, I think, for women since our society doesn’t typically acknowledge that there are men out there who aren’t horndogs all the time. Plus, there is still enough stigma attached to female sexual desire that it can be hard for us to speak up when we’re not satisfied without feeling like there’s something wrong with us. This really is one of those invisible problems!
While I know nothing about your ex-husband beyond what you’ve revealed here, I know that there was nothing wrong with YOU. There are all kinds of reasons why some men don’t want to have sex, including low testosterone, deep-seated fears of rejection or intimacy, a sadistic kind of satisfaction in denying someone else…all kinds of reasons. But I’m sure that it was NOT because you weren’t attractive or lovable or anything like that.
Try not to think too much about what he’s doing or not doing with the new girlfriend and remember that, unless you’re present in their bedroom, you don’t actually know what’s going on. He might be exaggerating how often they’re getting busy, or the sex may peter out in a few years, just as it did for you. Or whatever personal demons plagued him in the bedroom may now be surfacing in other ways you don’t know about.
His problem was not YOU. It was whatever was going on inside of HIM. Hopefully, as you continue to date, you’ll see that most men don’t have the same problem, and as they respond to you in normal ways, your confidence will be restored.
Thank you for your support. The only thing I am and will struggle with going forward into the dating world is when the Divorce comes up. I don’t want to hide any of it, but when I tell the story of why I feel like it changes guys perception of me and I think many of them don’t believe it.
Maybe I should save that discussion for when we have met.
Yes, yes, and YES!
You will get over this and regain your confidence, but it does take work. Hell, I am working on it everyday.
Having been in a relationship where I felt sexually rejected (& having cheated), I understand where you’re coming from.
There is a much better man out there, waiting for you to be ready for him.
Thanks Jane! I am sure there are a few men out there waiting for me. God save them if I do gain my confidence back!
Somehow, I have a hard time qualifying what you’ve done as “cheating”. Your Ex had tons of chances to “fix” whatever was broken, and he continually let pride get in the way.
And please stop taking the blame for Mr. Awesome. In fact, stop taking BLAME – just for a little while. You’re not perfect, and I’m not saying you are, but can you take a month or two and think about all that *they* did wrong?! You own what you need to own: they can own theirs, too.
And yes – you are going to overcome this. All of it. I say so!
*hugs*
I will try. Maybe you should come visit so you can remind me in person.
I so agree with Singletude. Lack of intimacy is something no one talks about it, but (obviously) can have very destructive results. However, I would agree that it probably had much less to do with you than him. But, I do understand that being involved in this kind of relationship for so long really does leave an imprint that will be hard to shake off. BUT, as all the other ladies here have said – you will see that not all men are like that and that you are not stuck being “that rejected woman” either.
And by no means do you have to share this information with a new guy until you are in a very comfortable place with them. The terms of your divorce are your business only!
I agree with everything that Singlegal said – this was HIS problem, not yours. You’ve given him a million chances. Now you get to move on and see what is out there. You always deserved so much better. I’m happy that you’ll finally get the chance to find it! Stay strong