Chasing Pavement

Sinlegal

Darwin has just left my house after a great week together. We played tourist around my City and did all the cheesy things that are only new and exciting when you see them through someone with fresh eyes. We discovered new restaurants, hit up local breweries, and went to the movies – just like a date. When I came down with a cold, Darwin was kind and considerate, making sure I had water and tissues by my bed. When he saw that I needed windshield wipers, he went with me to buy them and then showed me how to install them so I’d know for next time. We talked about all the exciting things we’d do together if he lived here someday. Wonderful, artsy, cultural things that I long to take in with someone of like-minded interest. But when I talk about all these things, it’s with reservation. I don’t know if, even in the best of intentions, he will make it back this way again, anytime soon – or maybe even ever. Just because we want something so badly doesn’t necessarily make it come true, and while I would want it for him, I don’t know what his life has in store for him in the upcoming year. Neither does he.

So, let’s talk about all the ways Ex has unprepared me for being with another man.  Darwin is the affectionate type. He’s not afraid to reach out and pull you close, put a hand around you on a subway, or slide a hand over your waist while sitting in a movie theatre. Since Ex spent so much of our marriage repelling physical contact, I am sometimes not sure how to handle a man who actually wants to put his hands on me. At one point, Darwin commented that it appears as though I was sliding away from him. Was I? I probably was. And how many other subconscious little gems did Ex leave for me, sending signals to the other party that I don’t even realize that I’m sending?

The second “lesson” was that it is possible that a guy can go shopping and truly just enjoy the experience. When we were in Touristy Land, I was picking up some Christmas presents. The Ex-Dial in me has me speeding through vendor carts and throwing items into a basket so that this shopping experience can be kept to an absolute minimum. Darwin must have looked at me like I was impersonating Speedy Gonzalez. “Relax” – he said. He was enjoying the experience of being in the City. Being in the historical areas that it presented. Being with me. I could slow down. Take my time. Savor the experience rather than rushing to it’s completion. It will take me years to untrain myself from this one. I still do this, even when I am by myself.

Lastly, and I can’t perhaps blame Ex entirely on this one, but I find it difficult to formulate my words into saying exactly what I mean. Strange for a blogger and writer, but when someone is saying “nice” things to me, I find them hard to ingest. Darwin commented that he could see my insecurity with compliments to my appearance, but assured me he wouldn’t say anything he didn’t mean. In this way, I trust him, as I am the same way. His compliments were not over the top. They were pertinent, well-meaning, and well-conceived. But it’s that broken part of me that finds it hard to believe anyone can think of me in this way, and I imagine it doesn’t lend to making me more attractive.

So, off I go, to think about the fact that I actually like a guy. Now what?

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?

Adele ~ Chasing Pavement

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