When Your Ex Moves On
Singlegal
Ex is 1500 miles away and I can still hear what he’s not saying.
I’ve suspected for weeks that there was some news he didn’t want to share. After ten years together, it’s still easy to discern what’s in between those often blurry lines. It started with Ex updating me on his state of being, and I was somewhat surprised at how lonely and withdrawn he sounded. Ex is by no means the outgoing sort, and a certain form of implied snobbery ostracized the few friends he’s had over the years. Compounded with the inevitable division of friends that came with news of the divorce, Ex isn’t left with many a friendly ear to chat with. But he certainly is a nice enough guy, and I figured his charm would procure him some sort of budding social life similar to my own.
Instead, in his unsubtle way, I noticed that Ex seems to be plotting. And sure enough, he finally came clean. Ex, in his infinite wisdom, has decided to move clear across the country to be with Kinky Girlfriend. Well, let me rephrase: Ex is moving clear across the country to move in with Kinky Girlfriend. If things work out, then that, apparently, is some sort of bonus. I’d love to tell you all that this news didn’t bother me. I would love to tell you all that in the progress I’ve made, especially in the past month or so, this news could bounce off of me and back onto you, like glue. But it didn’t. It stung. Hard.
So, the question becomes: Why is it so hard when your Ex moves on? I don’t wish Ex and Kinky Girlfriend any ill will. Based on the fact that the one week he spent with her over the summer, he came running back to me, I’m not inclined to think this is a long term, stable relationship. But it’s not even THAT part I’m harboring on. There is this certain sense of entitlement that I believe the wronged party carries. In that entitlement, you believe that because you are the one with your heart torn out and squashed, that it is you who should be the first to move on. Presumably, you’re the one left with the heart, right? So when your Ex moves on before you, there is something misaligned with the love planets. And to stomp my feet in a virtual temper tantrum, it’s simply not fair.
Second, there is a sense of realization. In all truth, I seriously did not think Ex was capable of loving ANY other human being other than himself. Now, I don’t know if he “loves” Kinky Girlfriend, but if you’re going to move clear across the country to be with someone, I think there’s got to be at least some strong feelings there. So, the fact that Ex is capable of having feelings for someone else, (let’s assume, even with the name Kinky Girlfriend, that these feelings reside above belt level, too) is probably what stings the most. The questions that circle include: Why not me again? How did you lose feelings for me, when it’s obvious you are able to have them for another?
Yet in all of this, I am not surprised that Ex gets to “go first”. I suppose because he was the heartbreaker, his opportunity to heal started much sooner than mine, and therefore, he is light years ahead in being able to love again. When the decision is made and he packs his bags to leave, I’ll be that super cool Ex who wishes him well. I’ll try, hard as I can, not to let that nag of “why him and not me” pervade my thoughts, and I’ll push resentment to the side. But right now, I’m left to stew in my thoughts, and add my Ex moving on to one more hurdle I must overcome.
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I think a lot of these feelings stem from a desire to feel special. We all want to feel valid and sexy and intelligent — all the things that add up to special. We want the person who wronged us to realize that we are the most special person in this world. It’s not that we want the other person back, we just want them to think we’re special.
For what it’s worth, Ms. Singlegal, you *are* special, whether the Ex is smart enough to realize it or not.
LJ =)
[...] Singlegal reminded me today that I’m not the only one. That I’m normal. But that doesn’t stop me from joining her in her virtual temper tantrum. Or from thinking that it’s simply not fair. [...]
Thank you LJ! I like the sexy party too! RAWR!
Let us rampage together. We shall be partners in crime. Or something.
That’s always tough to find out. When I found out my Ex was engaged, I felt sick to my stomach for weeks.
Please don’t call her “kinky”…that’s YOUR name! I know that was a very hard thing to hear from him, and I’m sure you’re handling it like a trooper as you always do. It’s ok and normal to feel sad. But just remember you have SO much to look forward to yourself!!
I gotta say it…
… jealousy will be a woman’s undoing.
You and Jane are making too much sigificance out of these events in your EX’s lives, and not focused on your own lives.
Yes, yes, easier said then done, but know that -jealousy- as an emotion that is very unhealthy. And it doesn’t damage anyone but yourselves by allowing your thoughts to swirl in them.
So your EX is off to go boink some dumb chick clear across the country.
And that bothers you? Seriously?
Common! What MAN is going to uproot his life, sell his junk, and fly across the country to live with some woman he barely knows in her apartment?? I tell you who… a sad, desperate, needy guy. You said it yourself. He’s not a social guy, he has trouble making and keeping friends and his “snobbery” attitude is just his weak defense mechanism that he uses to cope with his own insecurities…he’s so much more afraid of confronting his own fears, that he prefers to lose friends, than lose the BS act. That’s just pathetic.
…I don’t have ask, I know it. That’s not a man you want. So much better out there for you. Stop dwelling on this negativity, this unproductive nonsense and go out there and get what you want.
D
D,
Thank you for your comments. It’s true – it’s not the most productive use of time to ponder over why your Ex gets things you don’t, but I do believe it is perfectly natural. I would like to say, though, in all sincerity, that I don’t feel jealous. In no way do I want him back. Those aren’t the emotions that are running through me right now. It truly is a sense of entitlement, a balancing of the cosmic love planets. And, while I post my feelings in this blog, I’m not belaboring the point. I’m moving on with my life, and not “dwelling on the negativity”. From the second this experience started, I have known how lucky I am at everything I’ve been given, and this experience is not going to change that.
Thanks again for your thoughtful insights,
Singlegal
My ex-fiance recently married a 21yr old, he’s 29 and they have a 5 month old son. She was 17 when they started dating, he was 26 – I know – ack!. Anyway, that makes her the only girl other than me that he’s been with for more than 3 years.
I don’t have ill will toward him, or her, and I do wish him well. I truly hope one day he gets his crap together (they live with her parents and he doesn’t have a steady job) and becomes the man I always knew he could be, but even though I know I’m so much better off, it stings.
It makes sense though – that the heart breaker moves on more quickly than the heart broken. Our feelings were apparently more deepy rooted, more true, therefore taking longer to move past.
Anyway – I feel ya girl and if you need a blog to cry on – you know where to find me
Am I the only one who doesn’t feel like wishing my ex well? I am in the exact same place as you SingleGirl, wondering why he gets to move on first since he had all the issues in the first place. I know it’s much healthier to “not care” and I wish I could say I didn’t, but man, I do. Does that make me crazy?
It sounds like you’re doing a damn good job dealing with this. Yeah, we should all be above caring about what our exes do, but we’re not (well, I’m not). It sucks. It sucks when you’re heart gets hurt. It sucks when the other person moves on before you do. It sucks when you have to watch them with someone else. But you’re strong and smart and special and you’ll be fine. Better than fine.
I feel for ya..
I recentely got broken up with a live in boyfriend who after 5 years decided he “lost the spark” and with bascially no explanation moved out..
not more than two weeks later he was with another girl..shes hanging out with the family and it seems serious…
i realize he is not the one for me if he left and didnt want to work on the relationship.. i dont want him back.. but it SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSS thinking that you are so so so easy to get over..two weeks? really? it is a hard pill to swallow..