My Own Prison
Singlegal
Here is my horoscope for the week of October 8th:
Scorpio: The bad news is that you are, metaphorically speaking, in jail. The good news is that a recent visitor sneaked you the key to the locked door of your cell. The weird news: you have not yet realized that you have the means to escape, since your visitor did not actually tell you that the key is hidden inside a certain thing he or she left behind. Once you locate the key, slip your hand between the iron bars, so you can fit the key into the keyhole from the front. It won’t work from behind.
And with this, I have a wake-up slap. I am in my own prison. I don’t realize it – because there are times when I feel free, self-indulgent and aware. But in truth, I know I am bound to the same emotions and feelings that Ex left me with, and that my prison is my inability to deal with my incarceration. It’s not definance or stubbornness – I simply don’t know HOW. And all the self-help books in the world couldn’t get me there. It’s my prison, after all. You may have help constructing your cell, but only you keep yourself locked in it.
I went on a date this week. In my head, I had this notion that because it had been six months since Ex left, I should have at least had a man take me out by now. I clung to this ideal, and from my cell, it’s some revenge against Ex – a revenge he’s never even going to know about. What it led to was disaster. It’s truly an experience too painful to rehash, but desparation leads to bad decisions, and it’s moment like this that are what keep up locked up. And worse yet – extend our sentences, so parole seems even more distant and far away.
I want to find that key. I want to let go from all that keeps me chained. I wonder sometimes if one of you has left it for me. Is it out there? Any hints? I am encouraged to know that it’s even out there, but sometimes I feel its just out of my reach. And I have long arms. But just not long enough. I can see it – that freedom we all yearn for – just outside the bars of my window, and sometimes, I get so close to it that I taste it and think it’s actually here. But then I wake up and I’m still there. Stripped suit on, being fed my metaphorical bread and water. And every step forward that I make is trailed by a step back, leaving me in much the same place. I know the pace is slow, and different for everyone – but should I be further along by now? Why do I feel like I should be?
I’m going to keep searching. Harder now. These days, I want it more – my freedom. And maybe that is the “Key” – focus, desire, energy and commitment. I’ll have to get back to you all and let you know. Until then, I’ll be hammering away at some license plates and chiseling out pieces of my heart – the broken parts, that is. If I keep chipping away at me, I’m bound to find it, and it’s that thought that keeps me going.
You can find us on Twitter, but we are selective about who we let in. If you're feeling lucky, go ahead and send us a follow request!
Go easy on yourself. You are going through a grief process, and there is no prescribed length of time for how long it should take before you “should be further along”…
Just relax. Some people take more time to heal than others. You are going to be just fine. There’s no hurry.
you write exactly how i myself feel. cant we just have some sort of wand thingy like men in black that wipes out your memory? so you dont have to deal with the emotional baggage because you dont remember anything that would have created it.
I agree with GingerSnaps here – Relax. Take a deep breath. Go make a list of all the things you can do on your own, be sure to include making the yummy veggie lasagna, then put it some where safe. It’s going on our first fridge.