All My Children
Fertile thoughts from Singlegal
An interesting phenomena has cropped up in the wonderful world of singlehood. I noticed it months ago, right when I became “single”, but it keeps coming up and I’m occasionally at a lost for how to handle this subject. In my head, I call this dilemma “to spawn, or not to spawn”. I say this in complete and utter jest, with only the utmost respect for the gift of life and all that entails. You see, I am just about to turn 33. To the mainstream world, this puts me still in the category of “still fertile” even though my biological clock is ticking long, hard, fast, and is about to sound off in my ear. Much to my surprise, and perhaps chagrin, I am realizing that this is actually a dating attribute to many of my potential suitors. I had one, older man advise me straight out that he was looking for a younger woman of child-bearing years because he would like one more child. I appreciate his honesty – but really? Am I merely a vessel?
Let me back up a bit. I don’t have any children. Ex and I danced the hula around this subject for many years. In truth, we were starting to seriously approach this topic when the split came, and I remain grateful that no other parties had to be involved in this emotional demise. It seemed that Ex and I always teetered back and forth on the subject of kids. At first, it seemed like it was me who aired on the side of parent-less caution, and then in later years, when I became more focused and responsible, it was he who shied away. In my heart, I know both of us had enough love to give, but yet we could never get to that decision.
Then, fate intervened. I once had a friend tel me that she has parental “pangs”. That the thought of having a child made her so full of excitement and energy, she would think of nothing more important in this world. I have never had these pangs – not outright or recognized, and I considered this a sign that perhaps I really wasn’t mom material. As if the fates were listening, a visit to the doctor confirmed what I had long since suspected: the possibility of child-bearing on my behalf would be not impossible, but very difficult and unlikely. When I delivered news of the “plumbing issues” to Ex, his face looked crestfallen. I cried. Perhaps we weren’t ever going to be parents. But we both always wanted the option.
So, now I come to the present. I am dating. Sometimes they are older. Sometimes they are younger. But in general, most would like a child. I need to be upfront. The likelihood of one coming from me is slim to none. How do I divulge this gritty little detail? And when? It seems like I should be fair and open up front. I don’t want to string someone along knowing what an important topic this is for most, but it seems so utterly personal to have to reveal up front. When is the right time?
And, along the same line of thought, I should mention that even though I won’t be having any children of my own, I can’t help but feel that I really would like to be a part of some child’s life. I suppose that’s why the thought of step-parenting appeals to me in a variety of ways. OK, OK… so maybe I derive some pleasure from the title of Evil Stepmom, but really, I’ve got a lot of love to give. And while I’m perhaps not looking for an entire brood to nourish, it would be nice to leave my mark on some child’s life.
So, what’s a Singlegal to do? Thoughts, readers?
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Too bad you’re not closer. I meet so many women your age who want to have children. Since I’m past that part of my life and took medical measures to prevent that..it’s difficult to find someone who doesn’t want kids. Usually, I have to date older women. Stay focused. It’s easier to find men who don’t want to have kids than those that do.
*Guy is about to slip into the ‘children talk routine’ so you come back with:
“Oh forgot to tell you about what happened yesterday, me and a good friend were driving by Starbucks and this mommy walked out with 4 of her kids, and one made her spill the coffee all over her cute blouse and you know what? I wanted to wrap my fingers around that kids neck and strangle it, that blouse looked so cute on her too, i don’t know how she’ll ever where that again…anyway, what were you saying about children?”
Done. Happy dating
@ Ethan, took medical measures to prevent it? ROFLMAO. ok…that cracked me up.
wear* gah talk about spamming a blog!
Love doesn’t mean that a guy has to settle for not having any children with you. Adoption, fertility treatments, foster care – all viable options. Don’t feel pressured to make a point right off the bat about this. Just my two cents!
I’ll admit that even after years of no sex with Ex, I got the “pangs”. It was the same evil influences of working in an office with people my age that made me feel like I needed to get married. So naturally when they all started having kids, well I thought I wanted them too. Best part was that Ex said he wanted too as well, but the equipment would never run…even with a jump start.
I don’t think I will feel that way again for a very long time. I think by the time I do, I will be far too old. Just something else I can regret not doing in my life. I am grateful as you are about not having another being involved in this mess, I am having a hard enough time leaving my cat.
I think maybe you are just overthinking. It doesn’t really matter at all what these guys say up front, seriously. The right guy, the one who really wants you, will not care. He will see adoption, or fertility treatments, or just not having kids at all as perfectly fine if he gets you in the bargain. I promise, it’s not the obstacle that it seems.
As for when to share? One step at a time hon. First you need to meet someone you actually want to be with. Then you need to get along for a while. Don’t worry about the kids thing until the future thing comes up. And again, if he’s the right one, please see the first part of this comment.
Have a little faith… this isn’t nearly as bad as it seems right now.
As a first read on your blog, I should probably apologize for jumping onto this train and offering 2 cents w/o reading past posts that likely touch on this issue as well. *grin* With that disclaimer (and looking fwd to reading your other blogs), I think there are things that every person wonders when and if they should share.
Someone wise gave me very good counsel on this the last time I was bewailing a to share or not share timeline. She said, “You share when you feel like you aren’t giving away something you can’t afford to lose.” Meaning… if you tell this guy — do you know that he is trustworthy to handle your heart issues with compassion, honesty and trust? If you don’t know — wait until you do know. And I agree with Jane Wonder … the right one will handle it, you just don’t want a bunch of knives in the heart from the wrong guys mis-handling it.
And for another 2 cents — I know more people who were told they could “never” have kids who are now knee deep in little ankle biters. Including my own mother at one point.
@kellilawless
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