Just one of those days
Thoughts of a GoodbyeGal
It must be one of those days. My dear @SingleGal ended her day on the bathroom floor and for me, that’s where mine started out. We’re a lot alike in a lot of ways, but our experiences and situations are not the same.
I’m having a hard time with this next step…or should I say, deciding on what the next step is. I’m looking forward to the long weekend, which I will be away for starting in the morning. I’ll be house sitting alone!
Over the past week I have been dropping hints on a “friend” of where I’ll be and had hoped his schedule would allow him a visit, but something happened to me. With all the sexual frustration I am continually building, the emotional ups and downs getting divorced, and work stress I’m starting to loose my mind a little. I became so anxious over seeing him, I obsessed, I stalked him online, I messaged him constantly and then I got pissy when he didn’t respond. I knew I was not following the rules of our friendship and I was out of control.
Then something triggers me and I blow up and send the “emo-mail”. This is the one that starts off rational, but then gains substance in the form of self pity, insecurity, and apologies. In closing I beg for honesty and more communication. I don’t expect to receive a response, but I toss and turn all night long waking to check my mail.
I wake feeling sick to my stomach and I know that I will not be able to start my day until after I’ve purged this pit of emotion. After an hour of dry heaves and an email from @SingleGal Iam able to start my day. Part of me wanted to crawl back into bed and not come out for a week, but if there is one rule of Divorce Club, it’s that you are not allowed to spend the day in bed feeling sorry for yourself unless you have a friend to share it with.
His response arrives mid morning and I am relieved to even see his name in my inbox. It’s brief, its understanding, and it’s honest. I’m not 100%, but I have been reset and I am ready to try this casual relationship with him again, if he is. I know I can handle it as long as he accepts the responsibility of keeping me in check when I get too close to falling in.
I’m ready for my weekend now and looking forward to some major Me time. If he decides he wants a little me time too I’m sure he will call, but I refuse to chase or spend my weekend by the phone. I’ve got plans to make and promises to keep.
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i oughta slap you silly. Don’t forget your friends are here for you, k?
When emotions are involved the biggest thing to fear is not the actions or words of others. What we fear is our own behaviour and thoughts.
This is what will hurt us, this is where a lack of trust, respect and honesty sit. We fear that we cannot give ourselves the one thing we desire from others.
Our peace and harmony is found within ourselves not in others. We try to control others through our emotions, but what if we had control of our own emotions, we would then have no need to control what others do to us.
Plus it is actually much harder to control someone else than it is to control ourselves.
The key to removing fears is understanding you.
Thank you both for the comments.
I let myself get upset that he was spending time with someone else. It really doesn’t bother me that he is, it’s the fact that I have given him multiple opportunities to be honest with me and tell me he has plans with her, but instead he lies about their involvement and blows my invitations off. Then I see it on a social site that they are spending time together and that burns me.
So, I’m letting go now. As much as I feel that he is a great guy and have enjoyed spending time with him, I do not want any level of a friendship with someone who can not be open and honest with me.
I swear I could have written this blog post myself…I’m going through a divorce too, 33, a daughter…it’s not pretty but it’s “ok”…and I have JUST gotten through doing the same thing with a friend who I now blog about instead of writing the “emo-mail” to…because HE is currently writing the “emo-mail” to her…
Just the other night he left me here alone to drive back “home” to be with her to help her, sort of one of those “when she says Jump, he says How High” kind of situations.
I’m not a priority & I realize it. But for some reason I keep going back as though being JUST my friend is enough for him (or for me)…
Anyway, just know you aren’t alone
Nic
Nicole,
Thank you so much! We will survive and we will grow stronger from all of this.
I wish it was easier to meet people offline, but it’s so much easier to meet people online. It’s easier for me to open up and be honest with a screen between us. But all these social networks, like Myspace and Facebook and Twitter and blogs give us the ability to see what people are doing beyond them telling us themselves. This is where I have the most issues. I obsess over their every move and over analyze each comment. It sucks. And with this guy, I feel like it’s a major slap in the face.
I’m sure it will get easier and when the time is right I’ll find someone who fits. Hopefully!
you know when it’s easy to meet people? When you and your BFF live in the same town. So, hurry up, get your divorce, and get here! There is power in numbers.
*mwah*
I know what you mean, I am CONSTANTLY torturing myself by going to his MySpace page, going to his Twitter page…just seeing what he’s doing.
Even worse, she’s currently snubbing him so he basically is running after someone who doesn’t want him & I’m running after him…and he doesn’t want me. Good heavens! How on earth does this happen?
Girl meets boy (20 years ago), boy courts girl (20 years later), girl falls for boy (because divorce is HARD), boy breaks girl’s heart (on a train, by text, while sitting right next to her), girl has breakdown, boy talks girl into coming back, boy doesn’t call for two days, boy tells girl that EX-girl is the one he really loves…and for some reason I’m STILL hanging around to see what’s up!
I like to keep telling myself that there is someone out there that is wishing for me, he just doesn’t know he’s wishing for ME yet…but when he meets me, he’ll know it.
Hugs & Kisses,
Nicole