All That You Can’t Leave Behind

Singlegal

And away I go.

I have been run out of Florida by Hurricane Fay, forced to leave a day early on my road trip across the country to the start of my new life. I’m still jet-lagged from my weekend of debauchery with @goodbyegal, and sleep is a distant friend that eludes me as of late. But, there is one benefit to my speedy departure – I didn’t have to say goodbye. I don’t know that anyone is really “good” at goodbyes. I think I am worse than most. I appear gruff and standoffish, which I’m sure makes me look uncaring or aloof. But in truth, I just prefer to cry in private. Know that I miss all of you, very, very, very much.

So, as I sit here in my hotel room on the first stop of my road trip adventure, I take a moment to reflect on all that I can’t leave behind. I can’t leave behind the pride I felt at owning my first home, with Ex, at the tender age of 25. Interestingly, we bought the house before we were married, and will probably sell it long after we are divorced. My maiden name still reflects on the paperwork, coming full circle. I hope someday I get to be a homeowner again – I liked the feeling of establishing roots, of leaving your mark on a humble abode, and of menial tasks like taking out the trash and dusting. But that seems like such a distant dream right now, one of those items that hovers way beyond my grasp.

I can’t leave behind the benefits of having lived in Florida. Due to an incredibly reasonable state education system, I was able to get a Masters and secure a job in a profession that I love. Can you say that you love what you do? I can, and everyone should have that opportunity someday.

I can’t leave behind the friends and family I made when I was in Florida. I’m excellent at keeping in touch, and I will continue to hold a place for each and every one of my Florida friends. OK – so maybe I have some ulterior motives for some warm winter visits, too …

And I can’t leave behind Ex. Try as I might in the wave of emotions that has struck me this past five months, I’m not sorry for the ten years that we spent together. Though I encounter spurts of enormous pain, longing and brief bitterness, I cannot regret him. I’m not sure what the future holds for us as a relationship. And I find it somewhat fitting that Mother Nature intervened so that I couldn’t even get in a last “goodbye” with him. But I firmly believe that people are put in your life for a reason. I know there was lots of “good” in what was “us”, and I’ll remember that someday when the wounds begin to heal.

When the night is someone else’s
And you’re trying to get some sleep
When your thoughts are too expensive
To ever want to keep
When there’s all kinds of chaos
And everyone is walking lame
You don’t even blink now do you
Don’t even look away
“When I Look At the World” – U2

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