To Begin Again

Single Gal

Confession #1: I’m afraid if I blog about it, it won’t happen.
Confession #2: I’m afraid if I blog about it, it will happen.

One of my first thoughts after the EX-odus was that that this was my chance to go home. Home is in the Northeast, where I am I originally from. My foray into living in the South was supposed to be a interim experience after I graduated from college. But then I met Ex, and now it is ten years later.

So, when he told me he was leaving, I figured this is my chance. It was a sign. It was a return to my destiny. I can finally go home. But – it’s not as easy as it sounds. I’ve established a career down here. I have a home. My parents are here, and I have an existent, albeit  fledgling social life. I have everything I need for a “life”, or sorts. I know this, and I think this – but all it takes is for to return to my empty, quiet house after work to realize that this isn’t what I really want. Or is it?

So, I started applying for jobs. I had great momentum at first, searching the job sites and sending resume after resume. I had a few promising bites and one almost offer before the job hunt went cold. I resigned myself to the fact that I would be “stuck” here for a little while longer, when it came: The Call.

It was the very last resume that I sent in. I remember how carefully I tucked it into it’s resume folder before sending it along to the hiring manager. The job sounded perfect. The location ideal. It would be the last resume that I sent, and I knew this. A lot of importance was attributed to these few sheets of paper, and I sent them on their way with hope and anticipation. And then they called. And I had an interview. And then they called again. And now I have a second interview. And if this happens – I will be moving halfway across the country and starting a whole new life.

<Just breathe>

I am trying to maintain all my strength for this adventure. I know deep down I need to do this, but giving up all that I have on the surface here is disconcerting and, frankly, causing me some incredible anxiety. But then I think about how I thought my life WOULD turn out, and it didn’t include living in the state I’m living in. Once, years ago under a bad bout of jet lag, I had a dream that I had returned home to live in the state I’m from, and I woke up distressed at the realization that I did not and I wondered – why? Why don’t I live in the place I was perfectly happy at? Why I am here? Is this my dream come true?

It’s hard to know what is the “right” decision to make. I’ve got back up plans in place in case this adventure fails, but I hope it doesn’t. Ex told me once I’ve never failed at anything, and while I’m not sure this is true, it was good to hear. I just know that if I don’t take advantage of this opportunity, the wonderings of “what if” will probably get the better of me. And that is probably what would bother me most of all.

So, wish me luck …

such boundless pleasure
we’ve no time for later now
you can’t await your own arrival
you’ve 20 seconds to comply
so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
“Let Go”by Frou Fou

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