The Scarlet Letter
Singlegal
It’s arrived; divorce announcement time. Circumstances at work prompted me to need to tell my boss and subsequent coworkers about the break-up, the big “D”, my giant scarlet letter. It’s uncomfortable for both of us; me for having to provide this monstrous bit of personal information, and them for having to ingest it. No one ever really knows the appropriate way to respond, either. With Pity? With a High Five? With a Breezy Blow Over as if you’ve just told them about your new shoes? And then – there are the questions. People mean well – I convince myself they do – but questions like: whose fault was it? what happened? is this a good thing? Questions I would love to have the answers to, but I don’t.
In a way, it would be nice to give a clinical diagnosis to the end of my marriage: “adultery”, “fraud”, “dumb ass-ish in a way I could no longer manage”. But, there just isn’t some straight forward explanation for the demise of my union. For lack of a better way to put it, it’s not that my marriage failed: it just stopped. I’d love to be able to wade through the plethora of legal jargon that I’m reading about in Divorce For Dummies and locate the perfect term for the end of my marriage. “Eureka!” I’d scream, and have it tattooed (temporarily) to my forehead so that passersby would nod their head in understanding and agreement. But it just doesn’t work like that. So, until then, I endure the whispers, the pity looks, and the “you go, girl” from the well meaning. I know they don’t know what to say. I wouldn’t, either.
I wish “divorce” weren’t such an ugly word. I wish it symbolized more than the end of a marriage. I wish it conveyed what it also brings: freedom, new experiences and adventures, fresh starts and second chances. Perhaps it’s time for a new word? Instead of checking the big “D” under marital status, maybe I’ll amend it to say “blissfully single” or “martially unobligated”. Maybe we could draw smiley faces or just disregard the question altogether? Or maybe, I should be wearing my big “D” with a sense of pride and accomplishment, that I nurtured and raised one man and set him free into the world to become what he feels so destined to become? I’m not really sure which is best. And I’m not sure which would make me feel better. But I’ll work with what I’ve got right now. I’ll hold my head high, brave my new “status”, and consider this a life accomplishment and not a setback, even if cultural connotations attempt to deem it otherwise.
PS: For a captivating, raw, and brave account of divorce, check out Split: A Memoir of Divorce by Suzanne Finnamore. Not a self help book, but a lot of “oh, I felt that, too”s from an articulate and interesting author.
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The marital status thing has always seriously bugged me. Once you are divorced, are you not single? Why is there a need for a separate designation? For a year or so I boycotted the divorced checkbox on forms and insisted on checking single instead. It’s not like I was lying. I am indeed a single woman. And you know, whether or not I’m divorced? That just doesn’t need to be everyone’s business, when it comes right down to it.
Thank about it. Is there a check box for re-married? Nope. Then why is there one for being re-single? No good reason. I say boycott. Join the movement. I’ll be right there with you.
It really sucks. I had to tell my co-workers far earlier than I anticipated. I received a text from a co-worker the night my ex walked out on me. I was in such bad shape I just blurted it out. Then I proceeded to fall apart and not work for 3 weeks. Everyone means well and they tell you they will help you with anything you need but there is nothing they can truly do for you. To make matters worse for myself I was working in an office with 4 men so it was just a completely awkward situation.
Anther good divorce book is: Drunk, Divorced and Covered in Cat Hair. It’s funny, sad and it totally talked about all the fears that I had. I can even send you my copy if you want it.
Lady Jaye ~ THANKS! I just got saw that my library has it, so I’m going to pick it up there. I’m sure I’ll enjoy!
I wonder if there’s more stress that is placed into the big *D* because of what happened? it happened because of deficiencies in the marriage. We divorce things all of the time, foods, computer systems, software. When I moved from IE to Firefox, I didn’t say I divorced IE, I said Firefox is better. Maybe you should phrase it along the same way, it’s not that that your getting divorced, but being single right now is a whole lot better.
Oh do I remember this! And the best part? This is like the gift that keeps on giving. You’ll run into people two, three, four years post-divorce who will ask about X and you’ll get to tell them “Oh, we divorced ____ years ago.” Absolutely the definition of Awkward Conversation Killer. It’s precious, I’ll tell you.
As for the status marker, I’ve noticed several forms don’t even list divorced anymore. Just married or single. So, maybe it will become the standard soon?