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Single Gal
What is it about break ups that makes you think about all your OTHER break ups? Some sort of weird tally sheet we keep, where we get to dig out the score card and rate the level of hurt and pain as compared to the others? How do we score this game and how do we EVER come out a winner?
I don’t have an extensive relationship history. In fact, it’s possible that Ex is the only man I’ve ever loved. Well, at least the only one that knew about it, anyway. I would lump any previous relationship mentions into the following headings: The Best Guy Friend, My Favorite Mistake, The Transitional BF, The Scholar and of course, Ex. Now, most of these were not even men I had “relationships” with. More or less, most were brief entries into my life that left a lasting impact, teaching me something (usually about what NOT to do) along the way. But what they all have in common, with the exception of Ex, is I didn’t realize how much I felt for them until AFTER they were gone. Which leads me to the question:
Why is love so fleeting?
I’m at the stage in the healing process where I’m spending a lot of time thinking about myself and what “I” did wrong. Now don’t worry – I still let Ex take the majority of the blame – but the reality is that if there was something different about me, then he would still be here. I’m looking back at all of these guys, and I wonder why I couldn’t cling on to them in the way in which I would of liked. Did I not try hard enough? Is it possible that they never knew how I really felt? Do I get too caught up in my own self worth to realize that sometimes, it’s OK to let somebody in, even just a little? How can you make love … stick?
I think I’ll put away the score card for now. Someday, I’ll roll the dice again. But for now, I just wish I could step outside and give myself a quick review. You never really get to see yourself like others do, and you have to wonder how much time you spend working on bettering the “things” about you that don’t really need changing. For now, I’d settle for an honest interview with the Fab Five mentioned above, just to see what I could possibly learn about myself from the experience.
Our love floated out the window
Our love floated out the back door
Our love floated up in the sky to heaven
It’s part of a plan
It’s back in God’s hands
“In God’s Hands” – Nelly Furtado
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Gah – I would love to have an interview with some of my exes. It would really help me as a person. Though I fear that there would be some really bad things said by one ex.
Interesting… let’s see now – my own tally sheet would look like this:
(not all of these are “break-ups” of relationships, one or two were just “false starts”)
1) she thought of me as a brother
she didn’t think of me in that way
2) after 7 years of marriage – she wasn’t happy
3) I thought she was getting too serious
4) she slept with someone else
5) it had run its course
6) she didn’t want to be some kind of instant step-mom
7) after 5 years together and working on the same issues – it just wasn’t working out
9) she decided to go back to her ex-boyfriend (a recurring theme in this period of my life)
10) she got upset when I didn’t ask her to leave her husband
11) we decided I didn’t really have the time available she was looking for
While we have such different relationship experiences leading up till now, I find that I analyze myself in the same manner. Over and over I search back through my memories of the life Ex and I have shared. Criticizing every wrong decision, which mostly adds up to staying instead of realizing I could have had more.
Single Gal, I agree with you. It would be great if we could line up our past loves, interview them and get an honest, accurate opinion about what we did wrong in those relationships and why those relationships did not work out. Unfortunately, we know this will never happen, even if we were able to talk to the ex’s, because they wouldn’t be able to give an accurate opinion about what we did wrong. They would only be able to give their opinion, which is mired by their own issues, hurt, perception, etc, etc. So are people doomed to go through relationships with only a vague sense of what they are doing “wrong” and what they could do better to improve their chance of keeping a long-term loving relationship? On their own, I think they are. Or – shameless self promotion coming up – they could work with me. One of the things I do is help people see exactly what they are doing that is causing them to have repeated unworkable relationships and what to do differently. I am just saying there is a way to get that answer and it’s not that hard – a few coaching sessions and you have clarity, about this issue at least.